yeah, i really do think that it is.. like letting my gaurd down is a very bad thing and if it starts to happen and i realize it weird stuff happens.. or if it does happen and it doesnt stop i regret it later ... but my awareness is like pseudo-awareness... ?
trying to understand it... but its really confusing to me because i guess i have avoided looking at how strange things are for me for ever...
so im not really aware all the time, and even when i am aware, im not really aware aware.. know what i mean..? im here, but im not here.. im locked outside of the body draging it around like a puppet master that isnt really able to put himself in the shoes of the puppet (atleast completely)

could be that going through everything i have, having people to tell me to not think about it, calm down, be relaxed, its ok, blahblah blah when clearly everything was not ok and i really should of had someone to help me figure things out rather than make me try to forget about it... so when i tell myself these things its like, you know...

hearing the same voices just trying to make you stop crying rather than trying to help

im super 'amnesiac' for the past...(everyday all day really, i dunno whats wrong... still think maybe i have brain tumor or something...) the only memories i have are the flashbacks that come and go.. and even then i forget them until they flash back again

1 part in particular in the before mentioned exercise that she had me try with her i noticed really really was not cool though... but i didnt stop or interupt it i just kep going trying to ignore it... but when she wanted me to 'stretch' my jaws or whatever by opening my mouth 'wide' i just was like WTF and i guess thats probably when i really started slipping away because ... whatever.. i mean i was already like relaxed and tense at the same time so that part just really messed me up... dont like thinking about stuff..

blaming myself for letting/allowing things to happen cant help either... but i think it really was my fault and i should of or could of done something to stop it or change something, anything...
T said that i was just a little kid and it wasnt up to me and that its not a kids responsibility, kids supposed to be taken care of and cared for.. not the kids taken care of the adults...

i dunno what i used to do as a kid, i know that i was dissociative though i just dunno when it started... the only time i can remember having like an "attack" was around age 3-5 but its really blurry and all i remember is that the same thing happened back then that i am feeling now..
but i've done alot more now and been through alot more so im just like F it and cut me off, let me out.. go ahead...
as a kid i think its probably scary and you dont really know whats happening.. but i dont really remember... as an adult, now, i still dont really know whats happening but im trying to figure things out...

no one around me knew anything about how to teach a kid how to handle trauma - even if they did, im not sure how good it would do since everyone around me were the trauma people/... complicate things more? good person? bad person? scary person? rescuer?
and the foster care just really complicated things i think because its like icing on the cake, the everything is fine cake- i dont remember any of it, anything...
really dont know how its possible, but its true.. hell, i even forgot to take my medication today because i thought i already did but i realized it was yesterday and not today, i keep doing it too...

sigh- guess i dont like thinking about stuff and dont really want to so probably why im struggling... at some point have to accept "my" life and things that happened.. but how do you accept such disgusting things?

i just dont want to, its not fair, even without knowing everything i know its super f-dup and i just dont even want to know, but its inside and i know that i know and its not gonna go away... and maybe im hurting myself a lot by behaving the way i do and treating these things like this...

i just cant help it, im weak and i dont want to feel anything, thats why i do what i do;

ramble ramble ramble

have to stop writing because weird stuff inside... making my head hurt...

::edit

i dont like talking about these things... even the slightest mention... prefer people to believe that i am just a normal mundane person... but im really a broken apart monster...