Hey all-
I don't usually post on this forum (you can find me usually at the Adult Children of Alcoholics board) but I've suffered from depression all my life.

Just last night I was lurking these posts while I was deep down in a hole of sadness, hopelessness, and anxiety. Usually when I get like that, I can't really understand that it will be temporary, if not relatively brief, but it seems like I'm always looking for that kind of answer somewhere. More than that, when I'm in the throes of depression, I have so many different ideas about what would make me feel better but when I think them through they all come up short (hang out with a friend, exercise, meditate). For a while I thought my problem was motivation, so I would make myself do these things; rarely they offered the cure I wanted.

So last night, I decided to just embrace the **** I was feeling. I thought through everything about my current circumstance - including expectations of my reality - that are contributing to this severe episode of sadness. When I dug deeper, I realized that a lot of what was making me sad was a refusal to really listen to myself, to hear myself out. I realized I've put myself into hurtful situations, and that the "I'm a victim/everyone is horrible" narrative and it's flip side "I am horrible/people only like me out of pity" are just ways of simplifying really complex situations that take a lot of time and energy to explore.. More time and energy than any friend, exercise, or activity could demand.

I ended up just contemplating the hard truths of my self and today awoke with such a feeling of peace. I know this too will be temporary. But I just wanted to set a candle in this otherwise often dark message board that a) what you're feeling IS temporary and b) it's okay to have a horrible night/week. Thinking of sadness as an activity really helped me see the value in it. Now I've been through major depressive episodes and I know it's not as simple as I'm making it out to be, but I thought it was wonderful that last night I was here to kind of reinforce my sadness and now I'm returned to say that having a conversation with my sadness was one of the most productive forms of therapy I've experienced yet.

Keep going! Also remind yourself (fellow Americans) that our society has literally created an environment which fosters mental illness. Create your inner life and see it as a rebellion towards all of that which makes you feel hopeless.