i was sexually abused as a kid. it was a couple of uncles who always "visited" my room in the night whenever I stayed over in their places (for holidays) and fondle my private parts. Then somehow (I don't remember this clearly) I started having this same fondling games (with the sons of these uncles) around the same age... all these went on before the age of 10. After that age, i moved away and trained myself to forget it all... though I have always been weird about sex and remained a virgin until i got married in my late 20s...

(i still retain a lot of anger at my own parents for leaving me at these uncle's places, though i tried to tell them what happened to me by these uncles, they never really were willing to listen, so i gave it up)

anyway im now an adult with the usual problems adults have... bills, existendial crisis, problems with spouse, depression... to cope with it all I recently started on a journal writing program called the artist's way... ever since i started doing it, i have been remembering those old abuse episodes... and in the recent week (i am mid-way through the program) horror of horrors, been having pedophilic wet dreams... i even cringe when I write this... I am really really disgusted with myself... I actually do not work in a job that has proximity with kids, but I AM in a responsible position in society and it is slowly killing me inside that I am no better than a pedo...

i am a woman btw. i have never had a kid (am 34 btw) becos im scared out of my mind to have kids as i have always felt like i never can really watch over a child 24/7 or prevent a child from getting abused by someone... even if i did i'd be one of those helicopter moms who screw up their kids lives anyway by being too oppressive... but now it looks like i have one more much more dangerous reason not to have kids... becos i am terrified i am becoming a pedo myself and how can I have kids if i am one?

pls help me... is there any book or online program that I can join and get some help... part of my mind is so angry at this artist's way program becos it has some how unearthed these monstrous memories from my mind... and im feeling so lost and confused... i live in a third world country where there is no concept called doctor-patient confidentiality. So I cannot get professional help, it would finish me off...

i just don't know what to do. but the one thing i can say with 100% truth is that I have never hurt any child ever... or had any sexual thoughts about kids during my awake state... in fact i don't even like to be alone with them, i always find an excuse not to be with them, im really unpopular in my family bcos i never offer to babysit etc... it's only these recurring wet dreams of adults abusing kids that's literally turning every night into a nightmare... pls help...