thank you...

i usually count backwards from 1000... and focus on different things while counting..
everyone i told seems to think that 1000 is a bit ridiculous but small numbers seem too simple and insufficient...
aspects of myself tend to disappear and i can forget about things for a moment depending on stress i guess...

just seems really difficult trying to control this monster inside my head..(the brain)..

got a letter from disability people today... denied request for review of denial...
i will have to start an entire new process if i continue to pursue.... probably end up waiting 6 more years to be completely denied again... i may not even be alive by that time... i filed 5 years ago for this round of denials... 5 years of false pathetic attempts at hope... wish that i could just pop out and curse them out... but of course my mind wont let me...

remembered that big part of the reason i cant relax is because of how pathetic i am...
can't take care of myself... cant pay for anything... buy even simple necessities.. much less any type of desire or want that may help me feel better or good about myself or help to relax...
cant work... cant present the image of being a man because im a pathetic scared little boy...
cant even get disability to provide the small things... forgot how much this effects me...
barely eat... barely sleep... nightmares constantly... horrible flashbacks.. horrible intrusive thoughts... cant focus or remember anything...
blah...
they treat me like a fraud trying to abuse the system to live off some free disability... like its a whole lot of money that i will get rich from... like i really w ant to be labeled disabiled... i dont even care about the money...
just wanted help with health insurance... that way i could get adequate treatment to help me recover so that i can get off of the disabilaty and have a 'normal' life... which my life clearly will never be normal... but im starting to think it doesnt really matter..

all i wanted was a little help to help me get better... i hate this..
i really hate this life so much... to survive such a terrible place as a child...
and then to have to survive further as a broken pathetic adult... but to be looked upon as a lazy fraud... sometimes i wish they could feel what i feel... then they would understand why i am the way i am... i hate them... but not as much as i hate myself sometimes...

i dunno what im gonna do... why its gotta be so hard... i just wanted to see a future without pain.. to smile inside and outside, without being broken and feeling like im invisible and have no one because the person everyone knows is not me...

sometimes i want to just give up... im so tired

sorry... dont really know what else to say..
wish i wasnt like this..

goodluck to everyone.. wish no one had to hurt...