Thanks.. I am just tired.. I am really different from everyone I know.. I wouldn't want to be like them, or really change myself.. I just wish that I didn't hurt so much when no one is looking... I wish that I knew myself and understood myself.. That I was more solid so that I could be me everywhere instead of hiding me and becoming things that I'm not.... I am those things too but because of this so much of me is hidden.. And only I can see it... Only I get to feel lost and alone because everyone else can't even notice.. But I don't really want them to, they wouldn't know what to do with me anyway.. I'm ashamed as well... Everyone else survived well enough to be able to have a some what normal life going.. But I broke and everyone thought I was the strong one.. I just feel those things because they are kind of true.. I have been told that I need to get a life.. That everyone feels what I do before getting started in life.. That my fears and challenges are just in my head n my basically stuck bcuz I choose.... I try to gently say that I'm different without triggering a huge reaction inside n end up crying or fighting.. But its just makes me feel horrible because I'm failing everyone and myself... I can't even tell them I have PTSD bcuz I feel bad and guilty since my parents are the ones taking care of me.. Don't want anyone to blame themselves.. N like no one understand dissociation.. To everyone I'm the awesome guy they can't understand why struggles.. Super nice, caring smart, happy, but all the opposites too.. But they can't see, only know from my treatments.. I bleed alone in the dark rain hidden away from the world.. My life continues to complicate with every waking moment... But this is my normal, I just fantasize what it would b like to be different, better.. I can't even imagine it anymore.. Seem to break more pieces off myself everyday, just trying not to breakdown.. But I think I'm going to before it ends.. Only to add more shame.. I don't know who I am anymore .. The thoughts just do their own things anymore and feel like everyone would be happier if I could dissapear forever, I've only ever just wanted to know what happy feels like ... Things are way out of my control, end up making it harder.. But its what I'm here for I guess.. I'm just so sad and dissapointed.. I'll be fine... Thanks for reminding me that there are some in the world that know... Wish no one had to know these feelings though.. I've been afraid for too long.. Will stop writing now..