So, around last month at the begginging of the month I had something happen to me that could cause a lot of mental stress, but when it happened I just "shut down" I call it this because basically I put up a mental wall that blocks off any emotion. I do this because I'm very bad at handling trauma or anything that stresses me out so I put up a wall until I feel i can deal with those thoughts and emotions.

I have a history of mental illness, ex: manic depressive, manic bipolar, anxiety, auditory hallucinations, etc..
I stated this because I am sure this feeling im having is linked to the mental stress and my mental illnesses.

I'm an 18 year old girl and I live on my own with my boyfriend and have no contact with many people. Last month I just woke up one day and everything felt different and I felt like I wasn't myself and kind of out of body but not necessarily like kind of an out-of-body experience but I could still feel myself in my body but everything was just strange. I think this is disassociation disorder but it's not completely the same as how I feel.

I feel alone but I know that there are people all around me and I feel empty and Hollow and like there's nothing there. I find myself thinking about death more often and I want to die but I don't find interest in trying to actually die. I don't have the willingness to do things anymore.

I've become insensitive and careless when i used to be the most caring person in the world. I don't care about people's feelings. I don't care if I hurt somebody. I don't care about what I say to someone. I don't care about what happens to me. The place that I work at got robbed a couple weeks ago and I called off that day and when I found out that they were robbed I was disappointed because I wanted to meet that adrenaline and hopefully somebody would shoot me and maybe that would kind of make me feel alive again.

I feel distant from everything like everything is a dream, but it's not a dream, but I forget everything, I can barely remember what I did yesterday. I can't even remember what I did last week. My memory is hazy, and I don't even feel like a person anymore.

If I was to explain what this feeling is, it makes me feel like I am not a human being. That life isn't even real. I don't like this feeling, it makes me scared about the fact that I'm not scared to die anymore. If anything I'm excited, and so I'm just trying to figure this out and why I feel this way because I have been looking it up everywhere and I cannot find anything that relates to how I feel.

But I can't even really put it into words, I can't even fully explain how I feel. But it's like this weight on my chest, and this heaviness on my shoulders. And it just follows me all day, and sometimes it makes it hard to breathe, and a lot of people are saying that it's like anxiety. But I don't think that it's anxiety because I know what anxiety is and this is not what anxiety feels like to