I worry that you are mainly reliving your past and are stuck in your pain. It's like you're trying to make sense of it. It won't make sense. You deserve to treat yourself better and work towards healing. Abusing yourself this way might numb the pain, but it will not heal it. It will get worse if you don't get help.

Are you currently in therapy, support groups, or an addiction program? If not, I urge you to look into these options. You deserve a better life than the one you are currently living.

be well,

mtd