alwayschanging- thats the exercise i did with her last time that caused me to really... i dunno how to explain it, it happened with the other ones but seemed to be more with this one..
she asks "how do you feel now?"
the only thing i could think to say was 'quiet' ... like being put in an isolation room pumped with some type of gas ... like being dosed with opiates and the volume of everything being turned way down... no thoughts outside, no thoughts inside.. like being a sleep without dreaming but being awake but distant.. very distant.... i had to fight to keep myself there and pull myself back so that i didnt disappear in her office or what felt like maybe black out.. always scared of that because i dunno what i will do if that happens, things inside are not so nice and dont care too much about what other people think; don't like people to see how crazy i am, dont trust them or myself ..

trying to learn to trust the therapist though.. just wish she was more trained with these things so that i could feel sure that she knows what to do if something like that happens... instead of her becoming shocked or scared because i dont like to scare people..
i have to warn her some how, i dont think i have .. but maybe i have, wish i could remember the meetings better.. always feels like i walk in the office, sit down, and then its like time to go and im always thinking to myself.. how long has it been? because it only feels like a couple minutes but it seems to usually be an hour


i have appealed like a bunch of times.. im on the last 'level' with the disability thing...
this step ::
Fourth Step: Federal District Court

If you are denied at the Appeals Council level, you can sue Social Security in federal court.

seems like they just want me to suffer and they dont want to help the people that could really use the help... but give the help to the frauds that actually could do something about their situation... and call the broken down people fraud rather...
dunno why im being punished further, thought i had been through enough and maybe i could get out of the hole but seems like its just not over yet...

and i also have to worry about an idiot being released from prison in a month or so thats probably going to come around and try to burn the house down again or throw a dead dog in the well or put body parts on the house or paint weird symbols all over... cut the brakes on vehicles or .. who knows...

urgh... i cant tell if im awake or sleep..

im probably going to disappear for a little while.. need to figure stuff out... without making myself look utterly retarded along the way...

if only if only

The old mans been stealin she's holdin the greevin for hundred a years we all keep believin that history repeats
itself year after year.
i fears that the future is worse
we have to give in to a hundred year curse
sweatin the sun like we're diggin a grave
dig deep enogh and our fortune is saved

(chorus)
if only if only
the wood pecker sighs
the bark on the trees was as soft as
the sky
as the wolf waits below
hungry and lonely
he cries to the moo-oo-oon
if only if only

chasin the sky our beautiful wife you make mistakes and it's my back that breaks and forever my prosteals my life to
submission
i'm beat but there's hope beneath these feet
blisters and blood and the sun makes you blind you don't let it eat ya it can't help but be kind cause you know what's
important with your back to the world you can break metal chains and your friends don't let you fall

if only if only
the woodpecker sighs
the bark on the trees was as soft as
the sky
as the wolf waits below
hungry and lonely
he cries to the moo-oo-oon
If only if only

i'm a sun but I found myself a plant
there's no use when i'm fighten my history fightin my history i have no place i'm a light feather there's no use when i'm
fighten my history fighten my history I have no place i'm more like a feather but i can't fly away when i'm fighten myself

if only if only
the woodpecker sighs
the bark on the trees was as soft as
the sky
as the wolf waits below
hungy and lonely
he cries to the moo-oo-oon
if only if only