i have tried many things you know

tried to journal, that just weirded me out because end up writing a bunch of stuff and reading it back later and just feeling really weird so i stopped doing that.. talk to myself enough in my head, dont really want to see it on paper too at this point..

tried to do gratification lists but im just really exhausted or something... because i cant really think of anything anymore... there are things i should feel better about but.. whats the use in writing things down on a list like that if i am not really grateful for them.. i dunno..

have cut out alot of the caffeine as i used to drink like .. pots and pots all day, but that was a good few years ago.. only have maybe 2-3 cups a day now and the rest i just drink water... dont eat sweets or sodas... dont really eat much of anything i guess

i cant use alcohol and drugs as much as i would like because i simply cant, no money, no access, so some might think thats good and all.. but i miss having the few pain free moments that i could achieve... but whatever... pain is one of my names i guess...

its all fine.. it doesnt matter anymore

the first therapists i had i was a bit different.. dunno when i changed but atleast now im more interested in doing it rather than having to force myself to do it from the inside causing panic and severe anxiety..
she' is interested in helping in the best ways that she can it seems so i guess its ok..

i just dont like people to see my weakness, how i am broken, to be vulnerable visibly..
but i have no choice, if i ever want to get out of this trap i have to trap myself in this

i would visit the chat rooms but talking isn't something very good or easy for me.. i cant present myself and i more often than not just go into hiding and will become who i need to make things ok and bearable so maybe some time in the future when i get a handle on myself i can try chat rooms..

writing in forum thread isn't as bad because i can spend a couple hours trying to figure out what to say and re-re-reading what i write to try to make sure that its ok to say..

take care..