Elevated Soul,

Your very depressed, hopeless feelings, combined with what sounds like lack of motivation/exhaustion and not eating much all point to the likelihood that you have clinical depression. Have you told your therapist about these symptoms and has she diagnosed you with clinical depression? If you have it, you may find that you need medication to help stabilize you before you can do much work on yourself in terms of changing anything. Depression does a real number on us, not only taking away our energy, hope, appetite, etc., but it also messes with our thinking and emotions.

I had a severe clinical breakdown several years ago and had to take medication and have weekly therapy for many months before I was level enough to begin addressing my problems, issues, and trying out new coping skills and so on. I was in the same place years ago that you are at now. So much of what you said sounds like the same things that were running through my mind. The guilt, shame, feeling worthless, unloved, invisible...

Why not make it a goal just to keep your regular therapy appointments and consult with a psychiatrist to find out if you need medication to help stabilize you. Just those two things for right now. Therapy appts and medication if you need it. The other stuff you want to change will come later, when you are in a better place psychologically, emotionally, and physically.

I know how much you hate having to hide your true self because other people can't understand what you're going through. But if your therapist is skilled in dealing with trauma, depression, and dissociation, you will find over time that you can trust her enough to start showing her those pained and hidden parts of you that need comfort and healing. It might take awhile before you feel trusting enough to share what's going on inside you with your therapist. But if she is worth her salt, she will prove by her actions that she is worthy of your trust.

I also know that you feel that everybody else with problems like yours, here on PC, are doing better than you are, and that we have managed to have a decent life in spite of our problems. But it didn't happen overnight. Many of us, including me, have been working on our healing in therapy for a number of years, or have spent years in therapy and are now managing our issues successfully on our own now, after learning how to do it. Allow yourself the time and patience to take one little step at a time.

Peaches