yeah.. i mean she knows things i suppose but its hard for people to see things on the surface because of how i am or something

i dont know what her dx for me is yet and haven't really asked, she has told me that i seem to have c-ptsd and dissociative experiences.. i cant really remember much of what she has said though for some reason which really gets on my nerves..

the psychologist in january dx me with severe major depressive disorder reccurrent without psychotic features so it is in the records atleast..
but i have been trying to get 'help' for the past... 5 years.. its just for 2012-2015 they tried treating me for bipolar innefectively .. didnt help the depression or anxiety or anything and they just kept telling me i was manic which i really could not understand because i didn't see or feel it at all, have never felt manic or experienced it before... being on a handful of antipsychotics and moodstabilizers and antidepressants and everything should of fixed it i would of thought but it didnt.. now im only taking wellbutrin because my GP was scared of prescribing anything more and i didnt want to see the pdoc again since he was frustrated with me or something because of the innefectiveness ... but im seeing a new pdoc next week and hopefully she will listen to me a little more this time instead of ignoring everything i tried to say...

i've lived like this my entire life so its nothing new, im just wishing that maybe things could change some how..
but i have nothing else to do so continuing to try isn't really that bad... whatelse is there to do? doing nothing doesnt solve anything.. battle of the wills

im not really thinking about much besides the treatment right now.. like you said...
discovering the issues and hopefully ways to fix them..

i hope i didnt offend by saying that about everyone else having a normal life, i wasn't really talking about anyone on psych central but was just talking about my siblings you know.. dunno why i broke so much and they survived in 1 piece, sure they have challenges... but they can face them as a whole person you know..?

i know it takes work.. but i've been trying for these past 5 years atleast, with the "profesionals" help, and seem to have not been heard at all.. haven't really made any progress besides getting better control over alcohol/substance use.. but ceasing to use those things to cover up symptoms have caused a terrible reaction inside that has just woken up alot of parts that have been trying to hide and sleep i guess for a long time, to drown them out? or to feel what i dont want to feel

i dont want to self medicate, but i also dont want to let this stuff kill me.. walking a fine line, balancing act, trying to keep things from crashing down and shattering the remaining pieces that are trying to move forward

i dont like to sound like i am complaining.. im not complaining.. its all gonna be fine..
just dont want anyone to judge me or think that i am bitter... dont want to offend anyone or make anything worse for anyone

failure doesn't seem to be an option so it'll be ok, im just really confused and not able to think very well.. tired and trying as hard as i can to do everything right..
some day it would be nice to feel alive, i dont remember what that feels like.. but then again i cant really remember anything... not sure if i ever felt alive either, so hopefully i can just discover it and find peace

its really difficult when you have too many thoughts at the same time, "this way, this way, this way" no you cant go in every direction at the same time dont be dumb


patience is easy when time doesnt exist you know, it just feels like a never ending momemt, no rest for the wicked i suppose

its ok, its ok.. just hope maybe some medicine they let me try will have an effect this time.. and the doc doesnt get mad if it doesnt work... or think that i am a liar and just not taking the meds... because i have always tried to do everything they say..
and taking a handful of those potent medicines just is not fun if they dont even believe you are taking them...