Hello Koukaku: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

So... count the Skeezyks as your miracle... because I did read your whole post. I don't know about all of this. From my perspective, I think it is all just too complicated for me to make any sense of simply from reading your post. Clearly you are struggling.

I think the answer here is going to be for you to see someone (presumably a mental health therapist) with whom you can explore, over a period of time, what is going on with you & what you can do about it. There's no simple answer here. It's like being lost in a forest & having to gradually find your way out. Can you find your way out by yourself? Maybe... maybe not. But the chances of success increase if you have a competent guide.

By the way, are you familiar with California therapist Kati Morton? Kati uploads mental health related videos onto her YouTube channel. She's also on Facebook, Twitter, & other social media. If you're not already familiar with Kati, I highly recommend her to you.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!