Hello whiterage: I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. You know... you ARE NOT a pedophile! Let me repeat that... YOU ARE NOT A PEDOPHILE! You haven't done anything! Yes, you are struggling with some very disturbing dreams based on memories of things that happened to you that were not your fault! You didn't cause any of this!

It's so unfortunate that you live in a country where patient confidentiality does not exist because really what you need is to work, over an extended period of time, with a skilled mental health therapist to explore what is going on with you. This journal writing program you got into has opened you up like a proverbial can of worms & now you're left to struggle alone with the disturbing results.

I'm afraid I don't know of any books or on-line programs that would be helpful to you. And, also, given what you've experienced so far, I think you would want to be careful about trying another do-it-yourself approach. Of course you can continue to post here on PC. That may be of some help. And perhaps other members, here on PC, will yet come along with some suggestions.

I send hugs with the hope that you will be able to find your way to healing & deep peace within...