Today I told my T about having had a crush on my female ex-T (several T's back). Hers was an intoxicating therapy environment for me with candles and incense and Tibetan singing bowls and music... She really made a big deal about my eye contact being so bad and constantly (gently) reminded me to look at her. She was lovely. Touch is hard for me so she encouraged "almost touching", where our hands would almost meet, just hover very near each other, to sense the other person's energy (ie body heat). She played a song for me in session that was (to my overactive imagination) very romantic in nature and then emailed it to me, saying it made her think of me. She told me repeatedly I was one of her favorite clients. She was beautiful and although only a few years older than me, seemed so maternal, wise, protective. When I began having feelings for her, I panicked. I knew nothing of transference, so I was relieved by other people's stories online. I was not a freak after all. Transference is normal, apparently, and can be used as a tool for further growth. From everything I read, I needed to talk about this with her.

I did bring it up, and the response was devastating. She was repulsed. I can't think of a better word. Maybe horrified. I don't know. With a disgusted look on her face she asked me if I masturbated to thoughts of her. I wanted to die. Of course I said no, and wished that were true. She asked if I thought I would be able to continue working with her, could I put these thoughts behind me? I was ashamed, but the thought of losing her was unbearable. I said I would forget these thoughts, and I really did try. A few weeks later, I received a letter from T that her rates were going up. Then another few months later, they went up again. When they went up again, I terminated because I could not afford her anymore. I live adjacent to a wealthy area and even the initial fee was too much for me, but when it went up to $120 I couldn't do it. She assured me that it was standard to send the letter out to all her clients but that I didn't have to pay more than I could. Not sure if she meant that, but I terminated anyway. I just had a really sick feeling.

I brought this up to T today, explaining why boundaries are so important to me, and he agreed that this past T was way too "loosey-goosey" with her boundaries. He couldn't believe it when I showed him the lyrics to the song she sent me. I think he understands my cautiousness in therapy better now, why I make zero effort to look at his eyes (too intimate), and maybe why I've held back a bit in sharing a few things. I explained that my older self knows I need strong boundaries because otherwise I misinterpret things so easily. My young self hates these boundaries, however, and essentially tantrums when he doesn't return emails immediately.

Anyway, yay me! I thought this T would be repulsed by my story, but I was wrong. He said everything exactly right, and told me ex-T should have been trained in how to handle transference, and it absolutely should have been talked about. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted somehow.