I know all that I've been through all that before I'm merely tired of struggling with this I've got no one around to help and if I go into the hospital I think there will be nothing to come out to i've been struggling at my job I can't make it in to work more than one day a week. I know I was doing much better a little while ago but it tooks months of energy to do so and i've gone through almost all of my savings and now I've slid back down to the bottom I don't have the energy or resources to climb back up. And to be honest I;m a little resentful that I don't have a single person in this world to help me. I worked up all of my energy to reach out to someonethis evening and was told we could be friends again when I am happy again. I know that kind of sucks but that's not the big deal tonight I'm just soo very tired of fighiting this for no reward other than surviving.

And tonight I've got the kind of anxiety and restlessness that I had thirteen years ago when I made my one and only attempt. I'm not suicidal now I just want to get some sleep but thirteen years ago when things ramped up like this (triggered by an event at work) I stopped eating and sleeping completely. My apettite is already gone I've lost about 40 pounds since December from not eathing much.

I'm tired tired tired tired tired and tonithg I will either not be able to sleep and tomorrow I will be suicidal or I will fall asleep and wake tomorrow with more worry and disapointment. I have already written off work this week I told them I won't be in the rest of the week. I had a pdoc appt tomorrow but the office called and cancelled it but I'm still taking the day off.