Think of professional dancers... I'm thinking... Not sure what kind of dancing style... But the partnered dancing they do on 'So You Think You Can Dance?' When the partners and in synch sometimes one partner kind of stays while the other one goes off by themself to take a bit of a solo. Then they reunite and then the other partner kind of stays while the other takes a bit of a solo. And sometimes they both twirl away from each other. But there is just as much pleasure and joy in the seperations as there is in the reunions. It is like they are complimentary. And it is okay to leave and it is okay to be left and it is okay to be together too.

When all goes well.

Only it doesn't work very much like that for me. I want to curl up round his leg so he can't move away from me. He's not allowed to go, hes not. Trouble is that clinging to him means that we can't be dancing, however. And dancing can be a thing of great pleasure and joy and aesthetic beauty. The dance of the conversation. The dance of the postures. The dance of the appointment times...

It hurts. I get that. Sometimes I want to cling. Sometimes I want to be held. I don't want to be a dancer. I'm not capable. It hurts to much. I just want to be held.

But when I'm being held I panic. They will drop me or throw me or hurt me. And I panic and need them to back off. Or else I start to have fears that I'm merging into them and I'll disappear. They are too close. I'm not me anymore I'm merging into them. And I need to assert myself. Move away for a bit of a solo. Figure out MY thoughts and MY feelings and MY desires for a while. Interact with other people too.

Can be hard.

I know what you mean about the hole. I don't have object constancy either. When he goes away he may as well be dead as far as I'm concerned. Don't really think that he will come back... Don't really think that he will... He is dead to me. 'Cause the hole hurts too much, yeah. I think it is supposed to... Get better with time.