So. the guy I have been talking to since March, with a month break, and I are talking again. which makes me a lot happier. I saw him on Sunday and we talked more, he opened up to me more about the last 20 years, more or less. So that makes me understand where he is a little better and some idea of why he has achieved some of his milestones so late. (college at 38, career at 40). He did have a long term relationship (14 yrs) but is the type of person who doesn't believe a piece of paper is necessary to prove his love. Their relationship did not end very well. So. He had given me the reason ' he couldn't give me what I wanted' as why he broke up with me for a while. Not that he'd asked in the first place so I clarified my expectations. care, attention and affection. nothing more. I don't want to get married and have babies and all that other stuff. well, love might be a nice thing to have Sunday I asked him what was it he wanted. His goal is to be debt free by 50 (he's 42).
He works 3 jobs about 75 hrs a week. He owns a home that requires yard work etc. He has elderly disabled parents as well (dad had a stroke, mom has alz) that he takes care of by himself. A challenge in itself, I took care of my alz mother in law nearly by myself and it caused me to have a breakdown. So this is why he has so little time for me. We have generally only been together for a day or so once a month. It's not a lot.

So I guess on the one hand, it's an admirable goal to want to be debt free, but as a woman in her 50s who divorced a man in his 50s because of his workaholicism, abandonment and neglect...I can see I found someone just like my X. funny thing is, I didn't choose him! He pursued me in the beginning. I did ask him about the dating site thing and why he got on it when he had so little time. apparently he had been on it for a while and he did have time on his hands and was not having good luck finding women who he could be happy with. so he made this decision to find more work about the time he met me. which sucks for me I guess. we had just started talking in March and he had already applied and gotten accepted for job number 3 by early April.

It's disappointing because I really like him. I'd really like to be with him more but I can see why that isn't going to happen. I also see him burning himself out and finding at the end of that time, when he is debt free, that he is alone. I want to tell him, he needs to live life now, he is so young! money is important for sure, but it is a tool. money can't hug you or kiss you, money can't listen to you when you need to talk to someone, money won't be there for you if you go to the hospital to have surgery and wake up...with no one there. It's just really sad. I know this because my X figured this out when I made the decision to leave. He has cried to me over all the time he has lost with his family, me and my kids. because he chose work over us. I hate to see this new friend go through that too. because I feel certain he will at some point in 10 years go "what did I do with my life?" why did I make working my whole life?"

I guess this is where being a little older comes in handy, that you have some perspective on what's important in life. at least we hope!! I just wish there was a way I could convey that to him. however, he has the same personality type as my X did and I know from THAT experience that there is no way I could ever deliver this message and have it known.

I feel really disappointed in letting myself get so attached to someone that is so clearly wrong for me. I feel disappointed in the fact that what I had hoped for over time is not going to happen. He is not going to magically fall in love with me and change his plans for me. basically because he followed his heart with another woman instead of following his own dreams as a young man, and after 14 years of hoping she would be the person he thought she was, now he has a much harder heart and bigger walls around it. I am a terribly sensitive person and this is just too much for me. I know he likes me a lot, but not enough to be the attentive loving person I need in my life. and I on the other hand, need to harden my heart a little.

it's just so freakin sad. and I sit here in tears, not because anything bad happened, but because I know it's not going to be any better. walking away is so hard and I don't want to do it. I wish I was one of those people who doesn't care so much about others. but I'm not. I care too much for everyone. even if it doesn't get reciprocated. I still care.

eh, I'll figure my stuff out, I always seem to.

on a different note though, I took a muscle relaxer the other day and now my moods are being compromised...I was terribly irritable yesterday and now super sad today. let's hope my psych meds can even this out. I had a different disappointment this week as well, the house deal I was going through fell through so I have to start looking again. Oh. the other thing, I did meet a man out the other night and he was so effin creepy that I left when he went to move his car. I definitely was listening to my gut that time! he has no way of contacting me so that is good. I feel pretty weirded out about that experience too.

I decided this morning that I need to refocus my attention on me again. I have plenty I can be doing, I have a lot to be thankful for, and I really don't need a man to be a happy person. they are sometimes kind of nice to have around that's all.