You know I keep thinking about T's email to me talking about how if she didn't feel she cared, she wouldnt find it necessary to lie to me that she did, either to protect me or herself.

I was thinking, there would be something wrong with me if she didn't care, but maybe thats not it at all, its not about the person, its about the situation.

I want to say "i'm not that special" but I don't mean that in a self degrogory way at all, I mean it in an adult way, that of course I don't need anyone to care or take care of me like a child would, yes we all want someone to care about us, but we don't need it. That relationships are above the level of "you got to feel this way about me" its about experiencing the space around us, together as a unit. Whats going on in the space between.

It's funny, I went to a concert last night and met up with hubbys 2 friends. I dont go out much so last night was good in gaging how I have changed.

The guys we met up with I noticed I was just being friendly with and not trying to dive into an intimate friendship with them within 5mins of meeting. Something I've always thought one had to do, you know to add another friend to ones list, unable to seperate casual from intimate.

I obviously did note how I felt about them on first meeting which I think is a self-defence automatic reaction, you know, am I safe? who are these people? but I didnt have to make them bad or good, it was a kind of friendly indiffence.

I realised then that my relationship with T is real, because I feel things with her, the space in between us has been born and nutured and is real in that respect.

Its doesnt matter that I don't know her birthday, or how many dogs shes ever had or stuff like that, its all the stuff thats been shared emotionally that is real.

I'd never had time to experience that really growing up, as life was aggressive, abusive, loud and hectic, everyone shouting to be heard, arguments to get be won, no intimacy.