y When I entered therapy, a top priority was to change my beliefs from bad to at least acceptable.
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Originally Posted by shakespeare47
Based on my behavior with my in-laws, it appears I believe I must always get along with them, and have decent conversations with them, despite the fact that we see the world in vastly different ways.
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In my studies, that belief could be changed to "I must be as polite and civil as possible, even if I DO NOT get along with them". IMO, getting along is a different matter than just being polite and civil. If I find I cannot get along with some family member (which is happening right now), I just won't communicate with them at all! But if an accidental meeting should happen (like in the mall or at a store), I'd still be POLITE.
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I also seem to think that there is no way to get past our differences and the mistakes each has made in the past (regarding the ways we have communicated to each other).
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I'd still want to at least be polite and courteous regardless of the "differences" and "mistakes" (unless they are just too serious to ignore!)
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I also seem to be operating under the belief that the status quo is unbearable.
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Learning to make the "unbearable" bearable was the whole purpose of therapy so now, when something is "unbearable" I use a variety of coping skills to make it bearable - for myself at least. These coping skills often involve new and better BELIEFS.
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Another irrational belief I have is that I cannot stand it when people gossip about me, and then that gossip gets back to me.
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My new and improved belief about this is that I
can stand the gossip and will NOT let it ruin my day. It's nothing more than using healthy self respect to disarm the pain and humiliation (also a pain) of their gossip.
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It would be nice to live in a society in which people deal with each other in a rational way... it's disappointing that I'm not living in such a society.
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My new beliefs say that I can and will HANDLE my disappointments.
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They live over an hour away. I have limited my interactions with them, to my wife's chagrin (I refused to go to see them on a few holidays).
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I was lucky to have a wife (she just passed) with whom I could communicate so whatever "issues" came up with her family were quickly and easily worked out by us. She was very open to discussions and reasonable solutions. Having an open, friendly partner is very important, IMO.
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We did go to a wedding last Saturday, and it went pretty well. I'm going to try and start engaging with them again, to see if I at least can understand their reasoning.
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I sure wouldn't bother figuring out some other person's "reasoning" (other than my late wife's) but would rely on common sense and good will to deal with them as politely as possible.
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One of my biggest problems in the past (I think... ) has been to tell my wife about my complaints regarding her family. I think it may be beneficial to keep those complaints to myself.
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IMO, it is disastrous to have a partner that one cannot or dare not be open with. I was free to tell my late wife ANYTHING and she did not become defensive or upset about it.
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I've been trying lately, to make as few judgments as possible (about anything), and it's been helping me lead a more satisfying life. For example, if I'm with a person who eats messily, I merely think, "that guy makes a mess when he eats", without making any other judgments.
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IMO, the belief that we don't need to judge others is the best one of all.
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Here's another crazy belief... No one must ever attempt to "get my goat". If they do, it's unbearable. If they attempt to "get my goat" and I feel any emotion at all, then it's unbearable.
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And then I'd move to the new belief: If it's unbearable, I'LL HANDLE IT!
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I must not be subjected to people attempting to get my goat.... and if they do, then I must not feel any emotional response.
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My belief is that, If I do feel some emotional response, I can and will deal with my response the best I can but NOT ignore or suppress it - for whatever reason or need. I was taught to "feel what you feel. - just don't over-react to or suppress it." Learning to do that was very difficult and often still is but way better than loosing it whenever some "gets my goat".
Good luck with those beliefs and Albert Ellis - he has good ideas, IMO
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