IMO and experience, all sibling problems start out as bad/inadequate parenting problems in which the inadequate parents FAIL to model and teach love and respect within their family so the kids will be negatively affected by such bad parenting. That's how it was in my family!
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Originally Posted by Meeshellmybelle
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I lost my father at 69, way too young, and I remember one of my brothers (his son) calling me asking what he should do? I told him, "He's your dad, you shouldn't have to ask me what to do." The other brother (also his son) didn't show up to his funeral. He told me "My dad wasn't there for me." The funeral was the last time I saw my sister and brother on my dad's side.
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I did not go to either of my parent's funerals and never wanted to once I remembered how bad things were in my childhood. Us kids are not close and I am not close with any of my relatives all because our parents failed to train us to be loving, friendly and loyal to anyone in our families.
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My sister got so upset with me, saying I cared more about "those dogs" than my own mother. That was the end of our sister bonding experience. She was verbally abusive to me and I told her to never contact me unless it was an emergency about mom.
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Things like that happened in our family ALL BECAUSE our parents failed to instill and promote love and respect in their family when we were little and open to a proper upbringing. It's sad to see how our parents (and yours) blew it all and then suffered in their last years due to their earlier parenting FAILURES!
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I guess what I'm struggling with is...am I fighting for something that isn't there? It almost seems my moms siblings don't want to have a relationship with me.
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They were never given a chance to relate to you due to very bad and inadequate parenting which FAILED to promote love and respect amongst the kids there. Same thing happened in our family thanks to very bad parenting!
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I feel since we share blood the bond should be stronger.
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That is a childish myth. Conditioning, programming, early bonding and role modeling will ALWAYS be stronger and longer lasting than "blood bonding" (whatever that is?)
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Who knows what reasons they have. I'm pretty sure there is some resentment from childhood.
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It's not about "reasoning". It's about FEELINGS. They were never allowed or shown how to FEEL love and respect for you (and maybe each other) so the childhood resentments are the sorry byproduct of inadequate parental conditioning which FAILED to teach them to love and respect you so, "resentment" just naturally occurred. They may have seen you as a threat or an unwelcome intruder.
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I grew up in a loving home, a happy home, without divorce. They did not. I don't know, I'm trying to figure it all out and I'm exhausted.
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IMO, you are in Denial. None of you were raised by healthy parents which is why none of you were given the conditioning to love and accept each other.
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We obviously don't communicate with other very well. And, I guess by me thanking them for their help, it's kind of like a farewell. Any interaction I have with them causes me grief and stress.
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You don't communicate well because your parents failed to teach any of you how! Since your parents failed so badly, this will continue to cause you grief and stress UNLESS some of you seek help to overcome the sad conditioning your parents inflicted upon all of you and very few folks are willing to go for help.
Thank you for reading, sorry it was sooooo long. I welcome any and all feedback. Please, I'd love (and need) to hear your responses. I can't make sense of it but perhaps outsiders looking in can!
Meeshell |
Based on being raised in a similar family, all of what you wrote makes perfect sense to me and I've made a few efforts to get closer to my siblings and a few other family members but it very hard to blast through the deep conditioning and programming our parents instill in us from early on and most folks cannot or will not even look at it let alone seek some solutions to how badly their parents damaged them so long ago. Most folks just go along with the program and assume their parents were good and right so how dare I or anyone suggest that their perfect parents made any mistakes. Well, my parents made a LOT OF MISTAKES and us 3 kids have suffered from them for many, many years!
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Hi Divine1966, thank you for your reply. You are correct, they are toxic.
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That may be true but it usually starts with toxic parenting which produces toxic kids. I'd blame the real villains here - the TOXIC PARENTS!
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I used to have other things in my life, but I've put so much time dwelling on how things got so screwed up, what the heck happened, how could I have been a better sister, how do I do the right thing, are my actions going to upset the others, needing to get permission, that I've let the things I enjoy slip away.
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I hope you can see how inadequate parenting set all of that up for you and the others and that the only way out is to somehow reversed that bad parenting and get back to love and respect within the family. The only way you could have been a "better sister" was by being TAUGHT HOW - by your parents or someone else.
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I need my life back, desperately. The support here and the message boards are wonderful. Sometimes it helps to hear others say what I've thought to myself for a long time. Vindication!
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IMO, vindication can only follow UNDERSTANDING and understanding how my parents messed us kids up was the beginning of both vindication and HEALING from the emotional wounds our parents left us with.
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Time to set some new goals and put me first sans toxicity.
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I'd say that begins with realizing what bad parenting did to all of you. After I faced what our parents did to all of us and what had been done ot our parents, the way out became clear = learn to put more love and respect into my life and let go of the contempt, stupidity, ignorance, fear and unloving that our very sick parents had dumped on us when we had no defense. It's up to me to make and have a happy life from now on and I'm going there, ASAP.
good luck,
