[quote=Breezy~Day;5223155]Based on what I learned at therapy, I'd say that he had a troubled childhood and developed certain (quiet) coping skills to survive. This might be about Aspergers but I would never allow some "disorder" to ruin my happiness. Life is too short for that!
Yes, "quiet" folks are often holding in anger, sorrow and other negative feeling which will pop out as rudeness or stoic silence. He may be carrying deep, painful feelings and memories from a toxic childhood unless it can all be blamed on Aspergers.

Troubled folks can develop quite a range of "skills" to hide and manage their inner daemons which often fools other folks.

Before therapy and self-esteem training, being "aloof" was my main coping skill and many others thought I was just being "cool"! It's a cover-up for inner pain!

Those are all Codependency patterns in which both partners are carrying deep needs and wounds from a bad childhood and hoping the other partner will take care of them or their common responsibilities.

Yes, those are all Codependency characteristics (google it) but there is a way to overcome that.

I'd say he is your "typical" Codependent.

Codependents are actually not able to "care" about others until they get over their codependency or selfishness. They can "act" like they care but it's just not in them unless they find some healing.

Many "quiet" folks have trouble saying what they think and feel because they do not have the words or vocabulary to express their feelings. When I first entered sharing meetings, I had nothing to say and it took a while to find and use the words to adequately express my self. I often worked with a thesaurus to find words and expressions for my feelings!

Which shows you that he knows the difference! I was able to "change" my act for a short time but always went back to my bad behavior later on.

Codependents generally have a very narrow range of loving behaviors which may seem adequate to their partners - for a little while.

I was and still am a "loner". I was often "hurt" by others so I decided, long ago, to be safe by avoiding others even though I often NEED others. My fear and resentments keep me from enjoying and feeling safe with anyone but my late wife.

I see it as Codependent and packed with potential danger as his bottled up and unhealed inner pain and RAGE could emerge at any time and do serious damages. IMO, both of your are somewhat like time bombs that could explode at anytime you are triggered.

Passive-aggressive patterns can definitely trigger your bottled up feelings and have you both saying and doing terrible things. His silence and uncaring is just the tip of the iceberg as is much of your own behavior so, IMO, counseling and/or therapy - perhaps a CODA meeting (google it) can help to solve the hidden, yet dangerous, problems in your relationship.

Codependents simply cannot HONESTLY look at what is going on inside of them selves and will stay firmly entrenched in DENIAL unless they go for help.

Same with me - thanks to very toxic parents/parenting!

LOL, that is codependent thinking. If it's not VIOLENT, it must be OK!

Others can often see the failings and faults in a couple but the couple cannot see it due to codependent DENIAL. It's a blindness brought on by many factors such as: fear, false hope, emotional damage, desperate needs and a lot more.

Codependents will accept almost anything as "normal" that others plainly see as TOXIC!

I'd seek some help to see if the relationship can be fixed.

Codependents will do anything to fix a relationship (moving in, marriage, have kids, trial separation, open marriage, BOOZE) but rarely find the correct solutions by going into some kind of therapy.

It's not that they "aren't any good", it's that both of you are the victims of inadequate parental training which FAILED to adequately prepare both of you for a loving and respectful relationship. It's Codependency at it's worst!

This is almost the perfect definition of Codependency = They fall in love (need) and stick with someone who CANNOT love them back!
Only if and when you overcome your own conditioning to be codependent or you will most likely find another unloving Codependent to drag you down again.
I'd say that early childhood conditioning to be codependent finally overwhelmed you.
In therapy and a few relationship books, I learned what a good relationship is supposed to be and that put an end to my 1st horrible marriage since I could no longer stay in a toxic marriage after learning what a good one is.

Codependents are often caught in situations where they knock them selves out to please others (People Pleasing) who don't "notice". It's a sick pattern that began in early childhood with trying to please our indifferent or DRUNKEN parents and then us Codependents spend the rest of our lives trying to please and get the approval of other Codependents who simply CANNOT notice or approve of us!

It's an automatic and acceptable feeling from childhood that we sometimes CRAVE! Feeling "unloved" is NORMAL for Codependents!

And the "way he is" can be changed if he really wants to do it!
That's why I left cause I sure wasn't going to "put up with it" once I could see how a loving marriage can be.
I worked things out with my Ex over and over but none of it ever lasted and the same ugly patterns of behavior emerged again and again since neither of us knew how to make our marriage work nor how to undo the toxic codependency both of us were carrying. It's like a disease or plague that takes a lot of work or dumb luck to over come. I did my part but she couldn't be bothered to do her part!
After you do a little work on undoing your Codependency, you will see right through all of those "excuses & reasons" to stay with him because you will know that, unless he gets some help, he definitely will hurt you more and more and more!

I liked all that you wrote in that post about talking things out and coming to some understandings and agreements BUT........
In my experience, unless the underlying trauma, unhappiness and fears are exposed and resolved, none of your agreements or understandings will last very long and the old, unsatisfactory behaviors will re-emerge because the inner stuff has not been HEALED. It might be helpful to blame his "behaviors" on Asperger or some other "disorder" but, eventually the underlying cause for his and your unsatisfactory behavior will need to be addressed or there will never be true happiness for either of you.
My late wife and I worked very hard to deal with our underlying Codependency and had a very happy, loving and FUN life together for 26 years and would still be enjoying it if she had not died of illness. IMO, dealing with underlying issues is the whole thing but most of society just tells us to ignore that stuff! That's called DENIAL!
Please do not see this as a silly, hysterical or completely unfounded comment from me. I lived through a Codependent childhood and 1st marriage and learned a lot about how to make a relationship work well in my last marriage (she passed away) so what I am offering comes from my own experiences and not from books or abstract theories.
good luck