i want to believe what you're saying. badly.

i had a powerful spiritual experience during my first manic episode, which is almost a year ago now. in the beginning, i was convinced what i had experienced was real, despite all my doctors telling me otherwise. i accepted that i was manic, but i also wanted to believe that my experience was real.

i've become less and less sure as time has gone on. i mean, in addition to the spiritual experience, i also thought that my computer was talking to me and that i was being controlled by someone who lived in my attic, both of which turned out not to be true, haha.

a friend suggested that being manic might have made me more vulnerable to the spiritual realm, which is why i had a spiritual experience, which allows the spirituality to remain intact, despite the other psychotic episodes i had.

nevertheless, i find myself pulling away from the spiritural roots i have reconnected with.