Thank you for your reply. The thing that stood out to me a lot was comparing it to PMS... it does feel very similar. Except a lot, lot, lot more serious. I've always had bad PMS symptoms... anxiety around the time it starts, depression, and intense cramps. This is very similar, but on steroids.
I've definitely been ashamed of them... so much to the point where the past couple days it's caused paranoia. "What if someone knows?" "What if when I was half asleep, I said something to my partner that tipped him off?" "What if I do tell someone, and they take my baby away?" The "what ifs" are always there. Mostly I'm afraid of losing her, and losing my partner, and I do feel that my mind is going through all the worst case scenarios... perhaps to soften the blow if it does happen. I read an article recently that said that when it happens, it often feels like our instinct to protect our baby (and sometimes our partner) has gone haywire. It made sense to me, and did give me some comfort. If only a little..
My brain does it, too. Grieve people and pets long before I lose them. And with my baby, and my partner, it's been different. It's not the same as it was, and maybe that's what's causing the obsession, and the intense anxiety. It's thinking about things I might do, things that could happen, things he might do. And I feel like I'm losing it.
I'm scared, I admit. Yesterday was good. I found myself thinking I could do this all the time. Be at home with her, take care of her. But today? One small thing triggered me (I couldn't find our hammer, still can't, and I've been obsessing about it since), and it's been much harder than yesterday. I contacted my old therapist to see if she would still be able to see me, and explained the situation. I have an appointment for Monday. I want to discuss both therapy options and medication options. So, I've definitely reached out. Part of me didn't want to, for fear, but deep down I know I probably should.
Hugs back.