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Originally Posted by warpedlogic
Hey all,
I just found this site today while searching for help with my situation, and I was hoping I'd find that help here. I'm sorry it's long, but I've been going though a lot.
I've been married to my wife for 2.5 years, and we've been together for nearly a decade. Ever since we've gotten married, but especially since our son was born (23 months), our relationship has been very rocky and I'm not sure what to do or how to handle this. It first started when she brought up talking about any purchases over $50 (except for gifts for each other) since we have a joint account and she wants to know what we're spending money on. Religiously I let her know when I want to get anything, to the point that it starts becoming more of a permission seeking thing as in if I tell her I'm getting something and she doesn't like it she'll say I can't get it and is angry if I get it anyway. Then she goes out and spends a lot to get her teeth fixed, without even letting me know. This is the start of this particular issue. If I get something without telling her, all hell breaks loose and this isn't the last time she spends a lot without letting me know either.
Then she tells me I can't be friends with this girl, who I consider my best friend, that I've known for just about 20 years now. I told her that's not going to happen and she breaks out the old 'it's me or her' cliche, and I just told her 'both' and went for a walk. Now I can't talk to her or text her when my wife is around because she gets very angry, so I'm feeling like I'm doing something wrong and hiding a friendship from her. So I try to find a guy friend that I can hang out with, but she got very jealous of that too. I was texting him and she ripped the phone out of my hand and started texting him to get a picture. WTF?! Fine, I don't have anything to hide and she's probably just wants to see it's not a girl, so what ever. Then she starts putting him down and jokingly saying he's gay and accusing him of wanting to do things with me. Eventually, this guy and I are supposed to go see a movie and she gets upset both when I tell her what day and the day that it's going to be. I left, and she was distressed. Whatever. I haven't talked to this guy since.
Another issue is that she has no problems with her going out with her friends, but if I want to go out and do something myself then I get flack. Whenever I want to do something, I always get 'does it have to be this weekend?' or 'does it have to be today?' to the point that I usually put off things I want to do for weeks such as getting my hair cut, getting new shoes, or whatever.
Most recently, she's been blowing up at things when I don't go along with what she wants. Case in point: this passed Friday, we went to her aunt's retirement bond fire at the beach. She was going to get there early since she was off work, but our son slept longer than usual causing her to not go when she wanted. She called and asked me what I thought about meeting at a store and take one car. I was ok with that, but this store is about 10 min from our apartment. I suggested just meeting at home since it was only a 10 min difference and her tone changed to angry and she asked why I can't just do it. Yet at the same time, it's ok for her to offer alternatives when I make suggestions.
I know what I'm going to get asked: have I talked to her about this yet? The answer is more complicated and a little history is in order. She doesn't do anything around the house. When we were dating, I talked to her about it several times for her to change for a week and then drop back into her old habits. I eventually decided it wasn't worth being bitter over as I can clean the house and have no problems with it. Since we've been married, I've tried talking to her about this stuff a couple times, but she always makes me feel bad for bringing it up, saying I'm the one who is being mean, attacking her, being insensitive, and even said once that I'm always making excuses and not doing enough for the family.
I feel like I'm going crazy, and am on the edge of losing my cool. I hope someone can help me cope as I have no one else to talk to about this.
Thanks in advance.
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Controlling person, that's what comes to mind first of all. It is not about finances or anything like who your friends are or any other subject that she chooses. In EVERYTHING you've pointed out, it's about controlling you. Controlling how YOU spend money, how much you get to have, who you are friends with and imposing her schedule and desires on you in spite of your needs and wants at the time. Nothing of her behavior is out of support, care, or anything related ot loving you as a husband.
Probably out of lack of control she feels in herself, this is really not a relevant point, as no matter what the motivator her behavior is wrong.
I fail to believe that this is a behavior that is new, though I can understand that perhaps for some reason it has escalated to the point where you are seeing it more clearly and/or it's gotten to an unbearable level, but as much of the control she is trying to exert in this relationship it's hard to believe it JUST started.
All that said, you cannot allow this to happen. I can guarantee with almost 100% certainty that this will not only continue if you do but will get worse, more of your own freedoms will be lost and you will end up in a place where you mostly are immobile, helpless and unable to do much of anything. I speak from experience and have lived with a wife that was the same for 14 yrs. We finally separated and she's back to get her own life in order before divorce but I see so clearly now how she is.
The same things came up that you mention here. It was about other women, friends or otherwise - her rule against my having female friends was imposed upon me. She controlled the money much like you say you are and I was given basically what was an allowance like a child and everything we did, was on HER terms and I mostly had no choice in those matters.
Over time what happened to me, and take this as a warning. I went along with her and gave in. I didn't have much passion, I lost a lot of feelings for her, for life, for anything really and only when she left and I had to find my own footing did I realize how little independence I had over that period. I didn't know what I was doing, left with two boys to care for alone, and working with my finances now entirely in my own control. it was tough but I learned how. I still am not out of the woods but it's been a growing experience.
I say all my story merely so you know this is NOT coming out of left field from someone that has not seen the same as you, walked in your shoes, etc.
YOU MUST NIP THIS IN THE BUD. Exert your independence, autonomy and stand up for yourself now. Do not wait, do not dilly dally, make the change now. I will not say whether or not she is a great wife for you in my view or not, that is not my place but I will say that if you allow her overly controlling tendencies run amuck you will only see that side of her in time. Many people who have these tendencies can be great partners when with someone that just doesn't bend to their every whim. If you want this to work you have to be the one to balance that in the relationship by forcing yourself to stand up against anything that forces you to sacrifice your freedom beyond what is required in a healthy relationship. Some sacrifice is necessary but not when you give up the freedoms you should have as an adult on equal footing with your partner. It is not equal right now and you're the only one that can make that happen
Keep bending to her will and it will not change. it will be tough but you have to assert yourself now.
Please take my word, I am only trying to help, and I hope I have...