thank you so much rayna & richard..
i had no one to call and i did something i don't usually do, i caught myself before i could act and i waved my arms frantically on this forum and 2 others, as well as on my own blog.. a few very caring strangers really make a difference when you feel so alone..

as it turns out i drove all over town looking..
i'm new up here to portland and i had no idea it's what's known as a 'dry state'.. i'm from LA where you can buy hard liquor at any grocery store.. here you have to find a state licensed liquor store that is practically like going to the dmv.. haha.. but i guess it was for the best..
by the time i found one i ended up just hiding it away.. never cracked the seal.. i'm gonna keep trying.
for some reason just knowing it's there hidden away helps me.

thanks again,
ghost