I hope I am not breaking any rules with this post. If I am delete it.

I have been diagnosed bipolar 2 many years ago. I am now almost 34. About 2 months ago I moved into an apartment by myself, which is a struggle to pay rent. I had been living with a woman that I had been dating for 7 years and engaged to for 4. We lived together for 2 years trying to see if it could work with no luck.

Someone in my family may have cancer, I have never been so alone and struggle with emotions and doing basic things like working or finding food. I drink alcohol maybe 3 days during a week, sometimes more. About a decade ago I quit marijuana after smoking habitually for about 4 or 5 years. A bad experience in December 2005 made me quit. Until this week when I obtained some and proceeded to smoke a joint.

Immediately I had what I can only describe as a psychotic break. I was completely dissociated from reality and had massive amounts of paranoia.

I work a physical job in a factory and am afraid I may injure myself on the job and get drug tested, resulting in loss of job and loss of apartment. I feel ashamed for having tarnished my long streak of abstaining from the drug and am struggling to come to terms with the guilt and anxiety of all this. I was just hoping for a release of pain and felt I have dishonored myself and others. I smoked that whole joint, inhaling the whole thing and worry about how long it will be in my body. Has anyone had any similar experiences?

I can imagine some people saying this was a very dumb thing to do.