When I was a young girl my father always raped my mother and abused her in every possible way. When I was 11 she finally got fed up and killed herself. Soon after father (sometimes with my uncle as well or friends) raped me at least 3 times a week until I was old enough to leave the house. He threatened to kill me if I ever said something and I was scared and born with mental illness I didn't know any better. I remember being drugged and feeling his hands on my lady parts. He video taped me, hit me and emotionally abused me and sometimes even starved me.
I tried to get over it. But the memories come back daily.
Flash forward, I get engaged to my high school sweetheart. My husband turned abusive. I have always been afraid of men. I am timid, quiet and I have multiple personality disorders. He made me feel safe and loved and he took care of me. About 4 months after our engagement he hit me. Broke two of my ribs and a bloody nose. But I didn't want to leave because it physically hurts when I think by myself. I need someone to help me think and not fall into depression.
The last straw was when he held me over a balcony and threatened to drop me if I didn't say I loved him while I was upset.
I live alone now and I was touched at the library about a month ago. I am so hurt and I feel so dirty. My mental health is at a low. I have no will. I keep crying and to top it off my father decided to call me.
I need to have a mate but I am so afraid of men but living by myself is dangerous for me. I keep hurting myself and pulling out my hair and my pills aren't working. I cannot bring myself to go to my therapist and I haven't left my house since then and I'm a mess.
Also I am afraid of men judging me if I dated one. Sex is a sensitive topic for me and the way I do "it" is weird to some people and I get looked on as a freak. The way I look and act (as if i'm a child) is unattractive. I don't know who would like me