My story is a long and convoluted one and, while I do have some perspective on the situation, I welcome input from anyone who may have found themselves similarly situated.

In a nutshell, I crossed a boundary, my therapist caught me, I lied and I can’t bear to come clean about it. I’m trying to sort out my options and—preferably—find one that helps me save face, as I’m absolutely mortified by my behavior.

So . . . here goes:

I’ve been seeing my T off and on for 4-5 years. I believe she’s competent and has made a sincere effort to help me with my anxiety and other issues (she thinks depression, too—I’m less convinced of that), but we have a very ambivalent relationship and I have great difficulty trusting her. Now she no longer trusts me, either (and with good reason).

In my mind, the problems between us arose because she’s very blank slate-ish, which makes me completely nuts. For example, she might say she was going to be away the next week and I’d ask, “Oh where are you going?,” she’d tell me (in vague terms, like “to the beach” or "Florida"), but then turn it back on me and make a big to-do about how it was important for me to “know” her and what that said about me, blah, blah, blah. I felt like she was deliberately baiting me. After all, if, say, my dentist mentioned that he was going on vacation, I think it would be entirely normal to say, “Oh, where are you going?” and he would answer and that would be that.

Because she always found a way to turn it back on me, I came to feel that it was inappropriate to ask any question of her, ever. I come from a family that’s very private, perhaps even secretive, so this triggered me in a huge way. I did want to know more about her. But I didn’t want her to know I wanted to know because she twisted the most innocuous questions into having some deep meaning about me. This dynamic prompted me to stop asking questions and start snooping around online.

And I found out more than I bargained for! For example, I know her age and birthday, where she lives, that she’s divorced, who her significant other and kids are, who her ex-husband is and that he’s trolling the internet for young male sex buddies(!), loads of stuff. I also know what gym she used to go to because it’s right next to the yoga studio I go to and I’d see her car there regularly. Before she moved to another town recently, I’d see her at the grocery store, the bank, the eye doctor.

Knowing all this stuff made me feel I had some power over her. I totally understand that it has to do with my feeling powerless in her presence and that this was a way for me gain some power over her. Wrong as it is, it felt good.

But it wasn’t enough for me to know these things. I wanted her to feel as scared and powerless as I did sitting on her couch. So I started dropping breadcrumbs to make her squirm a bit. I do some creative writing as a hobby, and I began mentioning odds and ends about what I wrote. And they had just enough to do with her personal life to stir her up and make her wonder what I knew and how I knew it.

But I went too far—on some level I'm sure I wanted to get caught--and hit too close to home with some characters and plots. Last week, the second I walked in, she confronted me and said that my plot lines were worrisome to her, that there were unsettling parallels to her personal life, and she demanded to know how I knew these things about her. She’s aware that I spend a lot of time online, so she could pretty well guess.

I denied researching her—who could possibly admit to such a thing?!—and she continued to badger me for the entire session. I told her I didn't want to discuss it on my dime and my time--and she said I didn’t have to pay for the session. I truthfully told her that I’d looked her up when I first started seeing her—sanctions, client ratings, where she went to school and so forth. But she continued to demand to know how I knew these other, more intimate details about her life.

Her strong reaction—and I understand that she felt violated—made it very clear that she's pretty freaked out about the situation. I'm sure she's not keen on me knowing about the gay ex trolling as a sugar daddy. Of course, I fully understand that it’s none of my business.

That session was eight days ago and I’m still reeling. Thank goodness she’s on vacation this week and I’ll be away next week. But at some point I have to make a decision: Do I go back and continue to lie/evade/refuse to discuss? Go back and admit my guilt, knowing that she may well terminate me because she can’t be effective with me knowing these things about her? Cancel my September 1 appointment and never return? (That feels like admitting my guilt...and I just *can't.*) Find another T and try to work through the issue with her because I simply cannot face T1 and admit any of this? If I worked it through with T2, I might consider going back to T1 at some point, even for a single session, to clear the air. Of course, if I tell a new T what I did, she’s going to think I’ll do the same thing to her. (Believe me, I’ve learned my lesson! But I’d definitely look for one who’s less of a blank slate to begin with.) Or terminate, leave this ugliness unresolved and be finished with therapy permanently?

Thanks for sticking with my long-winded-ness. Anyone else find out Big Things about their therapist? How did it turn out?