CYCLING IS MY LIFE.

I too sometimes ultradian rapid cycling. This past spring I was having 3-hour blocks of a mood episode. It sounds impossible, but those of us who have experienced it know it's real. It's bizarre. It makes me wonder if I'm truly insane.

Here's what my bipolar cycling currently looks like:
**and ALL of this is mixed. I almost never have just depression or just hypomanic symptoms. I always have both.**
October - December 3 month depressive episode (with hypomanic anxiety or agitation or panic)
January I have one month where I have a few good days.
February - April 2.5 month mixed episode. In this episode, I rapid rapid rapid cycle. That's when I was sometimes having the 3-hour "episode" if you can call it that. Other times during that 2.5 months, I'll have 5 severely low days, or maybe 1 mildly low then 1 moderately low then 1 good then one severely low - it's totally unpredictable. I swing wildly.
Then this summer April - now (August) I've been having two weeks on, two weeks off of the same type as this spring. So for two weeks I'll be like a normal person and then for two weeks my bipolar will be completely unpredictable. Repeat.

I really resent it.

I think it was caused or at the very least worsened by 7 years of anti-depressants for my misdiagnosed illness. Antidepressants can cause rapid cycling, and my cycling is freakish intense.

I just came back down into another mini-episode. It has been crappy, to say the least. I keep having thoughts the last few weeks of how sick I am of trying and how living with bipolar isn't worth the effort it takes to stay alive, and that I'm SICK of trying to do anything when nothing I do makes a difference.

Especially because of the rapid cycling, my life feels totally out of my control. And it IS! Bipolar - you all know - we don't have control of it. It's hard enough when someone has two episodes a year. Then when the cycling feels nonstop and nothing I do makes a difference, it just leaves me thinking, "Why? Why am I giving any effort? It does nothing." The cycling never stops, and it's so exhausting.