I have a difficult time making friends and no interest whatsoever in being with someone I am not friends with.

So I look for friends with similar interests. I love roller coasters and I am in a nationwide roller coaster club but despite having a lot of friends in the club after being a member for about 25 or 30 years I have not a single one that I am close to, no one that I have any desire to hang with outside of one of the club events. Also the club for some reason happens to have a very high percentage of gay members, and in spite of that, not one connection there, ever.

The only people I've ever felt a bond with are people who share my nerdiness with Star Wars and sci fi. There are a few people in that group that I like to hang out with outside of a Star Wars movie. But no romantic interest there and it is rare we actually get to hang out because all of them are out of state... NY, PA, RI. My two friends who I gush about here as being my only good source of depression support are people I met at Star Wars in 1999. And they help when they can but they are busy (doctor/social worker) and out of town.

So I've been to gay science fiction conventions thinking it is my best chance to meet someone and have never come away from a single one with so much as an email or contact info for a potential friend.

The only two romantic interests I've had in my entire life were people who loved Star Wars. Both times I was mistaken on their feelings for me and both times I was crushed and sent into a deep suicidal depression. The first one lasted almost a year (I was unable to work and almost lost my home) and this one is nine months and counting. And this time it is someone I work with so trying to get back to work means trying to deal with those feelings for him. And I never really replenished my savings from the first time so I'm running on fumes, still not back to work.

I no longer want to look for someone. Given my track record of zero--I am a 54 year old virgin, never had anything close to a relationship my whole life--and given the consequences of failing, with the odds of success so low based on my track record and the most certain risk of hitting a depressive cycle again if I fail the risk vs reward does not pan out.