Ok, so I met with him and talked about it. He was really good: thanked me for coming back and for talking about it. He knows how hard it is. He wondered if maybe the s'ual aspects of it are because we've gone quite fast and covered a lot of ground lately, and it's scaring me. Too intrusive. Could be.
I couldn't even look at him all session and I felt very ashamed.

I thought a lot afterwards, and I think the r*pe thing is like an extreme visual rendering of what I feel: I do feel he is too close, too interested in me, too 'lost' in me, almost. And that does scare me. I am so happy to be understood but now it comes with this huge price of threat and fear.

And I can no longer see him as kind or compassionate: just as the cruel, laughing person in the horrible pictures in my head.
I don't know if I can get through this, it feels like the 'him' that was there for me has been replaced with this new version, and I don't know who the real one is even though nothing has changed about him, outside of my head.

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