That is horrific. PLEASE, PLEASE find the courage to speak with a therapist. All of the trauma you experienced, is way too much to live with without help. Fear will keep you from doing things. Try to think of yourself as worthy of having a better life. Call a few therapists and ask them if they have experience with all you have gone through. Sometimes a therapist will work with you over the phone. you are punishing yourself, and the people who need to be punished are the horrific people who abused you. I am a moderator of an abused survivors' group, if you ever want to talk...you can pm me. With love, Nicole