For as long as I can remember, I've always stolen positive personality traits from others.

My mother and her boyfriends were highly abusive physically, emotionally and mentally. I've been raped, beaten and I've attempted to end my life.

I have adapted by stealing traits from others to cope and hide away my background. I couldn't use anyone I grew up as a role model. I didn't want to be a drug addict or an alcoholic. I didn't want to abuse other people either. So I keep burying myself.

My psychologist basically hinted that he doesn't know how to help me. He even cleared me back to work even though I've got a clear desire to end my life. (Sorry if a trigger).

My tests came back invalid. Which I'm pretty sure is due to the fact that I'm dissociated with who I am and filled with those other traits. I don't know how to find me anymore. I can never tell if what I'm thinking is myself or the person I'm trying so hard to be.

It feels like I'm hitting a wall and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Has anyone here done these things? If so, what do you do to connect with yourself? Do you accept this part of yourself and understand it?

Thank you.


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