As a child I was always covered in bruises and when the neighbours called social services she said I loved throwing myself down stairs. Many years later she knelt down in front of me frantically saying "I don't want to kill you! I don't want to kill you!" as if trying to convince herself.

All my memories from childhood are of being terrified of her and of violence.
I was an accident and she has openly said she didn't want to have me and she'd leave me for sometimes whole days in my cot as my crying annoyed her.

I once tried to talk to her about how all this has affected my life and she (1) hung up the phone. When I tried to call again she (2) said "Hello? Hello?" as if she couldn't hear me and when I called again she (3) put the fax machine on.

In her mind she believes she is angelic and pure and perfect.. I appreciate the world must be a very confusing place for her sometimes however she has destroyed the lives of her children (one of my sisters tried to kill herself for years finally jumping out of a window) and continues to be psychically damaging to all of us.

The hardest thing for me was to realise it wasn't my fault.

Even though I have moved far away from her, her presence is still always there in my mind. I wish it wasn't.

I wrote a simple song about what I go through every night to get to sleep:

http://bit.ly/2b4aqyd

It would apply to anyone who's been through abuse..