I've been reading the posts of many people re: painful transference due to deep feelings for a therapist and a less than optimal resolution. (Please forgive me for not writing down the OP's name.) Taken the OP's story and others' responses, I've become a bit confused. First, I don't intend to derail the original post. The reason I'm posting is because I'm going through brutally painful emotions re: my T, but knowing what I know of attachment and erotic transference, I can't tell what the problem really is for me. It seems to me that knowing whether one is experiencing intense attachment or erotic transference is terribly important so that therapists can apply the most healing solution. Or are the two so close, it's sometimes hard to tell?

I have abandonment issues. My T and I have gone through difficult therapy sessions trying to understand what happened to me for me to become so self-destructive during T's first (and subsequent) absences. T has addressed my strong reactions and feelings as intense attachment. I agree that I'm terribly attached. The catch is that I'm currently trying to discern if I'm also going through erotic transference. I crash and burn if I know T will be out of town on a weekend (no missed appts.), I want to know what T is doing in the evenings, etc. But I'm not at all certain that I have erotic feelings for my T. I am solidly grounded in the knowledge that we have a business arrangement and nothing of a romantic nature is going to happen; T is quite aware that I know this.

On the other hand, I think only periodically that I would like to be a part of T's personal life...be held by T. But not any sexual fantasies - or none that I've allowed to enter my consciousness. I've avoided talking about a relationship in my past that needs attention, but I haven't wanted to take the chance it would lead to ET.

For those of you who have gone through ET, how do you really KNOW it's ET and not intense attachment? I'm uncomfortable w/T in sessions now, because I don't know why I react so intensely to where T is outside of our appts. I've had to begin taking medications to manage my anxiety and depression, which has become so painful that I've thought the only choice I have is to stop therapy. I won't do that, though, because I think T will get me through whatever is happening and I would rather that than leave feeling like this. And the T will never bring up the subject of ET, so I feel stuck.