I wrote a communication to my T this last week and now that my appointment is approaching I am worrying about how I am going to explain it without really talking about it. Does anyone else go through this routine? It was a quick handwritten note that I wrote in the pre-dawn hours after a therapy session. 3 AM seems to be the only time I can actually connect with some raw emotions- so I put a comment about what I was experiencing on paper and sent it to her. I have avoided making contact with her outside of our scheduled appointment times mainly because I felt like a needy freak when I did it once early on. I also don’t like adding more evidence of mental problems to my medical chart. It still bugs me today that my original letter is in my chart somewhere.
The last time I wrote she waited until my next appointment and pulled the letter out for discussion. She said it was OK for me to write but didn’t encourage me to do it. When I wrote this last note it was the day after a session in which I tried to explain a feeling I was experiencing without explicitly discussing what triggers the feeling. I have kinda figured out one of the triggers for my depression, the problem is I’m not sure why it triggers intense feelings and I definitely can’t seem to stop the feelings from messing me up for several days afterwards. I know I am really stupid— That is what therapy is fricking for you ***! I’m just not yet comfortable with some topics and I am still having great difficulty admitting that some things really bother me. What is bothering me today is—Why, if I really don’t want to (or refuse to) talk about stuff in therapy, do I write encrypted messages to my T after the fact? This is such a childish act and it really makes me mad that I do it. If I would just open my mouth during the session my problems would likely be solved and I would likely be done with therapy by now. I am I insisting on making things so difficult. WHY???