i know she cant handle me ..
but i dont really know what to do in my situation because i dont have many options... maybe i could ask her if anyone else in the clinic is more well versed with complix situations like this.. but i have a super hard time speaking up and sayting things like that ....... i hate it but i cant help it, if i didnt try to do things the slowest slow of the slows ways that i could then i know what would happen... and trying to avoid havingbad reaction happen because i pushed and pushed and pushed and next thing i know i back tracked a few years and am just like whatta da fook..? i quit! not going there no more! kind of thing and i dont want to do that again... i know its a big bad problem and im trying really hard to stay focused...

i have had so much happen that its just crazy you know..? day.. after day... after day.... what will present it self in what way? im a little person but i have to be adult to watch for so many things, and i think to myself... dunno why i havent just stopped... why does it keep going.. but i dunno, its so crazy and its happening to me and i cant explain it or understand it and people look at me like im the one that has speech problems and cant explain simple things.... but the problem is its not simple at all!
but i guess thats how you develop in a disordered fashion... not only surviving some really messed up stuff as a little one that isnt supposed to know how to count, but having to deal with it the rest of your life..... opa....
i really wouldnt be alive today if i dint have amnesia.... just knowing that i know on some level without really knowing and remembering disturbs me on so many levels... but its so hard living with this kind of amnesia problem....
1 is no one understands... no one knows, no one can grasp how it is... oh hey i forget my keys all the time too, or oh man i forgot to take the trash out.. yeah no.. thats not how it is.... more like woah where am i.... whats my name? what am i doing sitting here... guess im smoking... what was i doing before ? i dont even know what to day is... is it the 19th? i dunno... guess it doesnt matter because it will be over in one more second anyway and ill ask the same question this next day... trash? what trash.. hehe... cant lose keys if you dont have any....

why am i rambling? stupid..
how do you tell T that things are bad, please understand things are bad, im here before you because i need you so bad and please help... i cant live like this.... but i wont remeber what you say so please print it out... and she is like, hmm oh man well i dont know everything about this stuff but im looking up as much information as i can and trying talk with people and do meetings to get an understanding to help you with- i love her, she is so sweet, but i need someone help save me...

there are a couple things i would like to tell my therapist but i dont like talkig to these people or doctors or anyone anymore about things in the way i do because they kept telling me and telling me and telling me over and over previously 2 years ago when i was going to this clinic that i stop playing doctor... all because i was trying to explain how i am not bipolar and i am not manic at all and that these medicines are super crazy and dont want to take them anymore.. but no they dont listen and i get treated like **** because im the crazy.... and clearly i cant know anything.....

my mind is really not ok.... and im trying hard because im scared if i cant get a grip soon im going to lose it... black out not just for an hour or something but for a long time and i dont think i could clean up what happens after that.... because its so dark and some things so evil inside and i dont want it out... if its not someone else hurt maybe i would hurt myself really bad and i dont want any of that to happen.. you know..? but you cant just tell people stuff, you cant just say hey this is this, becayse they will look at you and say you are too stupid and cant know all those big words and you just need to stop and listen to the doctor and dont question what he says because he is tyrant....

grrr... what more can i say... i fight and fight and fight, no one can see how hard it has been... dont think anyone cares how much i have accomplished... the amount of control i have stolen.... to try to fix things...

and then i have an event happen here... and i get so pushed back and cant do anything but try to stay away from people till i can regain some orientation... and no one will look at me, because they dont know what to do or say, so why not go isolate and stay alone...
when you start moving in slow motion and in a motion that looks like you are underwater who will stay by yourside and try to help...? no-one.... drowning, drowning.... but fighting..

i try to be honest with therapist... but i think she is scared of hurting me and making things worse because of the complexities.... something good sounding to her might be something that makes me look through the wall, or disapear and take a minute to respond without realizing time has passed, but its not badstuff... its just she doesnt know you know.... everything is bad to me...

why am i saying any of this... stupid...
sorry, i duno why i didnt just ask that stupid question the other day when i made this thread instead of disappearing and feeling like raelly just cant even say anything about it..

love you all... only thing im committing to is this treatment i guess... cant commit to saying anything, or whatever... although wish i knew how to

over and out... pdoc app / therapy next week... intersting stuff...
all good sorry about making a post and not even following through with what i wanted to ask/commit to... i just cant right now... maybe tomorow, or next day... or another day..