Quote:
Originally Posted by Septembersrain
For as long as I can remember, I've always stolen positive personality traits from others.
My mother and her boyfriends were highly abusive physically, emotionally and mentally. I've been raped, beaten and I've attempted to end my life.
I have adapted by stealing traits from others to cope and hide away my background. I couldn't use anyone I grew up as a role model. I didn't want to be a drug addict or an alcoholic. I didn't want to abuse other people either. So I keep burying myself.
My psychologist basically hinted that he doesn't know how to help me. He even cleared me back to work even though I've got a clear desire to end my life. (Sorry if a trigger).
My tests came back invalid. Which I'm pretty sure is due to the fact that I'm dissociated with who I am and filled with those other traits. I don't know how to find me anymore. I can never tell if what I'm thinking is myself or the person I'm trying so hard to be.
It feels like I'm hitting a wall and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Has anyone here done these things? If so, what do you do to connect with yourself? Do you accept this part of yourself and understand it?
Thank you.
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I do understand the hiding so no one can see the real you.
I've done this thing called a "Life Reset": thats where all us alters made a bungle of it and mentally hit the reset button which can entail moving away, changing jobs, starting a new life.
But with these life resets, I also try changing me, searching for the right set up for a stress free and happy living.
I'll get into programs and meet other people like me like AA for drinking, NA for pilling, trauma groups, rebuilding myself by throwing away what I thought was wrong and building on the good characteristics.
It took will, work and determination to peel back the layers.
But alas, I don't know how much of this has to do with being a chronic multiple. You see, we weren't aware of the truth at those times, so basically we were unknowingly restricting parts from presenting in our singlular life-style, the ones that did cause negativity for us. I always thought it was a learning thing but now I can see it for what it is.