It's oddly strange.. for me... been getting lost going places.. like my therapist alot lately.

I know I have been upset lately.. I have tried so hard to get everything under control.. so very hard.

I don't want to live anymore.. I know that. Life is so very complicated and I am so very isolated..

The long hard struggle of DID... the extreme isolation.. people that cannot understand... rejection.. is that not the worse? to be rejected in life.. stamped as "irregular".. like in the factory.. that is me.

The electric went out for a very long time.. and I get so scared... when I was little, I was locked in closets.. total darkness... never knowing how long.. when the door was going to be opened.. when light would come back... just never knowing.. sitting all huddled up on the floor.. not knowing.. just not knowing was the worse... if you could just see a clock.. and you knew.. it would be 10 minutes.. or 20 minutes.. you could last that long... but not knowing.. well it could be enternity couldn't it..

My alters are having terrible problems right now.. body memories are surfacing... yes.. of being sodomized when I was 12, 13,14,15... it throws my body for a loop sometimes.....

There aren't answers.. are there... God put an "unloveable" stamp on my forehead.. for all to see.. but I cannot see it.. it is just there.. for people to see..and be warned off...

yes.. I am having a difficult time.. and so be it...

I must have done something to "earn" this very bad time - God would not just let this happen... must be me...