If I could feel one thing,
it would be to be free,
free of the pain, and
the memories.

I sat today, and I wondered
how it would be to die,
would it hurt, or would I finally
be free.

I have spent so many
days feeling as if I don't matter,
that it would be easier for
everyone else if I weren't
here, to see the pain in
my eyes!

I sat today and felt
like I was the only one
who knew the pain I
am feeling. In a room full
of people and yet still alone.

Church today talked about
good christians, and not
believing in abortions, so
what will happen to my soul
the day I feel no more pain!
I must be a bad christian, because
of that baby that never saw a day!

This battle is hard, I am tired
of trying, I look at my kids, and
know that is the only thing,
that keeps me here, what will
happen when that no longer helps!

If I could change one thing,
it would be for me to be stronger,
I want to feel the words not just
hear the words, that
it won't last forever!

I feel so small, and so alone,
life is hard, and it doesn't
seem to get easier, I fell into
a pit, that seems to trick me,
I find the way up, and then
seem to slip!

Cutting helps, it lets me see,
I feel the pain, and can fix that
which I see. The pain inside, is
there but won't heal. It is a
open wound, that never closes!

I sat today, staring at a tree,
wondering how it would feel
to feel no more pain!

I keep saying one more day,
tomorrow will be better. Then I
have days like today, that break
me down again.

Depression sucks, it isn't any
fun, just a black veil hanging
over my head,
childhood sucks, when your
used and not loved! My body
was theirs, and they took more
then that from me!

My dad was a monster, he knew
what to say, but still he was my
father, and not doing was wrong.
If he knew how much it hurt,
would he of stopped and asked,
for forgivness from me, or would
he of just stayed, and continued
to use his daughter that way!

My brother was wrong, he played
his games. I was the one who
he choose to use. He said, things
wouldn't be bad, that what we
did was ok! I knew that it
wasn't, but thought that my
life was mean't just for this,
nobody cares about this little
girl inside, nobody ever cared
if she was scared or afraid,
or hurt or raped!

I still let him hurt me,
I still let him use me,
I still feel like I don't matter,
to anyone ever!

Some day I may heal,
some day I will feel that,
my life is worth living,
and that it isn't for using.
But today I just sat, and
wondered how it would be
to feel no more pain!!