So many racing thoughts again. Its already 1:30am and I am beat. I tried to relax and get some rest. Not working so good.

I would be a month away from my due date now. When I see a pregnant lady or a new born, I have to look away. As much as I am happy to see this beauty, it hurts. Its been about 4 and a half months now since we lost our baby. This recent one was not as hard cause I knew something was wrong. And I knew I could not safely carry. Not that it didn't cause some tears, but I am just trying not to think about it. Something was wrong so nature took its course.

But the baby that I had to decide if I should risk keeping is haunting me. The what if's and wanting to take back my choice. I know that I was in danger of attempting to have this child but it still hurts. Its been on my mind for several days now. And I feel so sad.

I was at the store with my kids a couple of weeks ago. We walked by the baby section and I tried to avoid looking at anything in this area. But my little girl stopped to look at these cute pictures they had of babies. She wanted me to look at them. I did not know what to say, so I went over. There it was; the crib I had picked out. I couldn't help the tears, they poured. I tried to hide this from her and bolted to the washroom at the back of the store. I tried to stop these tears, just couldn't. My daughter came in and asked me what was wrong. I thought OMG, how can I answer this. My voice was quivering and I said I was fine. She is a smart girl, she knew better. So I came out of the stall and told her I still think about the baby. She was good about it and I made sure she did not feel bad.

Since this I can't get it out of my head. I think some of my SI thoughts are the want to release this. And tonight is one of them. I want to scream and yell. Take this pain away, please. How do I deal with this? I don't know what to do. I need help.

Justy