i'm trying hard to make things work, trying to do everything right and all..
but its really difficult because i just am confused i guess... i mean, i don't like talking about it because it just sounds unbelievable and it seems that no one can really believe what im saying or understand or whatever.. i always have to be careful with my words, but sometimes it just falls apart and alot of strange stuff comes out that only causes more confusion .. if i wasn't so shy/bashful then i wouldn't care and then i could just spit stuff out without really caring what other people think.. but i have tried to seem normal and ok for so long, for ever, that any kind of threat to that image is bad.. i want things to be ok, why is it so hard for that?

i don't know what the problem is, i guess no one really 'likes' to look crazy..
so im just trying to hold everything together but its getting really difficult, i get scared...

when you aren't sure what life is, because you cant piece things together, when you dont have memories that make sense or any type of coherent existence within.. when everything seems like a huge blended mess and maybe nothing is real because how could some life like this truly exist?
just doesn't seem logical... especially when people dont really understand you..
such loneliness, lost in a void :/
this void is sucking everything in like a blackhole, but then random different strange memories emerge - and disapear ..?

this suicide thought is pretty messed up because all i have ever wanted was to be happy and know what its like to be on the other side, instead of seeing people seeminlgy very happy with their life, want to be that person others can see happy.. so giving up and allowing something like the big s is just not a choice, cant let it happen you know!
but it can come over me and everything will be telling me and feeling like its just too much, too late, there is no point.. why suffer more and continue fighting a losing battle?
i hate wasting time, atleast wasting time doing something i dont want to do that is going to end up failing anyway you know?
but i know those thoughts are just part of the story and its not what i want at all!
but i get so many feelings and mixed up that i just dont really know what i really am feeling anymore and whats just intrusiveness
i kind of think maybe i dont even have any feelings and its all just a messed up version of purgatory

the one thing i want is the most elusive thing in the world
just want to find myself, be allowed to be happy, without making myself out to be a complete fool/failure... without everyone discovering that i cant remember anything about any of the stuff the did for me(the good ones..), dont want anyone to feel bad for me or to feel bad because i cant remember like it didnt matter to me.. because it did matter, i just dont know why i cant remember anything.. and i feel horrible about it all.. and if they find out i have this problem and that im just totally insane then they will know that a lot of bad stuff must of happened to me.. dont want to walk around with people looking at me more like that, they already look at me different, dont need it to be a gaze followed by multitude of questions and people asking me if i am ok everytime i turn around...
im just super tired of this experience... like a canyon being carved by elemental erosion over millennia, i am degrading and falling apart as well..



damn...