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the problem is I’m not sure why it triggers intense feelings and I definitely can’t seem to stop the feelings from messing me up for several days afterwards. I know I am really stupid— That is what therapy is fricking for you ***! I’m just not yet comfortable with some topics and I am still having great difficulty admitting that some things really bother me. What is bothering me today is—Why, if I really don’t want to (or refuse to) talk about stuff in therapy, do I write encrypted messages to my T after the fact? This is such a childish act and it really makes me mad that I do it. If I would just open my mouth during the session my problems would likely be solved and I would likely be done with therapy by now. I am I insisting on making things so difficult. WHY???

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The aftermath of a session is really hard. Sometimes I'm falling apart already as I'm getting into the car.

I am also very hard on myself like you are, about how hard it is, my after session meltdowns, feeling needy (but wanting it too), and unable to express myself in session.

I hope you'll talk to your T about all that you posted here. Remember she's there to help you figure out the "why" part of the triggering that happens, and many times it's more than one "why".

Be kind to you and let therapy happen, without judging it. Just let it happen.

As my T tells me when I'm frustrated and criticiizing myself, judging me and therapy too... "You're right where you need to be at this time."

So, go and let it happen. There's a good reason you wrote that letter: you needed to get out what came out in your letter. Now that it's out you might be feeling scared and that would be understandable. Let her be there for you and help you explore what you expressed in your letter.