thanks..
i mean, i know i am crazy, whatever crazy may be..
not so much 'crazy', but im so different i dont know of another word to use for it :/
but i really really dont like attention, the spotlight, or anything like that.. im a loner and want to sit over here in the dark corner without anyone turning the lights on you know

but i adore people... and i do like to socialize with them, its just that i haven't been able to keep things in order so well lately because i have realized how old i am and how im like not making any progress so to speak... i know im still young in some views, at 26/27 but... i cant really tell how old from the thought because im so separated from everything and have NO timeline to help me guess, so it feels so messed up... and for some reason i thought things would be different by now.. but they are not, and im running out of time because if it continues ill just keep waking up 1 day later 1 at a time and years will continue to disolve into nothing.. i wont be 26 next time, i'll be 36, then 66 .. and more if i live that long

the last thing i remember is things falling apart with my ex and that was like 5/6 years ago... i met her 10/11 years ago... but it does not feel like it at all and i have to becareful to not let it surface or else ill go through a repeat and deal with those stupid feelings again and again... she wont even talk to me anymore because it happened at the beginning of this year and when we talked i regressed or something and it was like the day she left...

so sometimes just feels like its better to isolate and lock myself in the room, its too dangerous to put myself around anything or anyone, to allow anything to happen because the consequences are so catastrophic - i hope she doesnt hate me... we were such good friends.. dunno why i had to screw it up... she was crazy too, i guess thats why i fell in love :/

but whatever

i just want to figure everything out once and for all and get everything fixed and worked out and blahblahblah... no more repeats please

and i want to do it before 10 more years dissolve and disappear into the void... want to be able to start remembering stuff and know what i've been doing and whats going on, to feel unified and whole or something... know what i mean? get myself out of this wack dream that im stuck in and let things start to feel real, what does it even feel like to feel real?
i dont have a bloody clue everytime i turn around and become aware of my surroundings im like this is so messed up, so fake, so stupid, so so so so everything wrong, why does the wall look like that? why cant i be convinced this desk is real? that these hands are physical and that im not in a crazy dream world that doesnt have a physical sense and is all just a mental matrix or something ?? i want out of the matrix for crying out loud
want to have someone hug me without everything going crazy, to actually feel good like people say hug is supposed to make you feel.. rather than feeling them stabbing you with a knife in the back and contaminating everything that my matriotic self is suposed to be

so many things that i want to feel, without having things go crazy and panic... but im trying really hard.. just have to learn to trust little by little i guess... first have to be convinced this therapist isn't going to treat me like the rest of them.. and hopefully the pdoc will listen unlike the previous...
because i trying to tell them this time that its important to becareful with me please because im not your average camper... and the wrong movement or response can really trigger a lot of upheaval... and if it happens as bad as it has before i'll run away and wont come back and i wont be able to get any help... i make myself do a lot of things that i dont want to do, but when i get that stuff happening inside i cant stop it and there isn't any talking it out or convincing involved... but now my medical record is probably tainted more with this last pdocs records saying bad things about me, probably wrote in the notes that im a liar and never took the medications or something and i never lied to him about anything and tried to do everything he said, but he just hated me or something.. or maybe because he wanted me to be bipolar so damn bad he was mad when the meds wouldnt work and when i didnt get better and everything... but good doc isn't suposed to be like that... oh well, good riddance, just trying to tell everyone that talks to me this time to warn everyone... and if they still trigger me and treat me like that, im scared ill black out and if a demon comes out they will totally think im psychotic or something... guess thats what you get for having so many demons and angels living together in one building
cooperate? how do you get them to do such a thing? seems impossible.. this side will literally just kill everything and then go over dose on alcohol and drugs and this other side will literally give everything away, clothes, air, teeth, hair, just to make someone else feel better .. dont think they know how bad it is ... but maybe it doesnt make sense because nothing seems real anyway...

but whatever, im trying to hold myself together... trying to focus on the 1 important thing, treatment, doctors are suposed to be here to help people like me, they go to school to help people... they wanna help people... i keep telling myself that, but i dont really think anyone can really help too much... but i also dont have any other choice-- just really exhausting trying and trying and feeling like no one can tell how hard you are trying, dont think anyone really cares... burdens... such a burden...

anyway :/
i ramble too much :/
i guess because i dont talk very much so when i do say some things, try to say 2-4 small words... thousands of words spill out, sorry about that

hmm, i dont need a wig though, my hair is pretty long already
been thinking alot about dying it green for like the past 6 years but i just dont have the money to afford to do it... would be really cool though ..
my hair is like past the 24' on this pic
all my female docs and case managers and stuff have always been jealous of my hair, just a shame that i cant find a nice girl to take care of it for me because its a pain to manage.. but i cant cut it or get rid of it, not sure why... i just cant.. the color is about the same too