I hope you're doing well, UniversalTruth. Where I live, there is a Legal Aid group who can assist with divorce if you've been living separate long enough. They would have assigned a team of attorneys who work for free in most cases, but I didn't want to wait that length of time for my divorce, and my parents helped me pay for an attorney. I was told by my attorney that while my husband does have equal custodial rights so long as we remain married and there is no court order for custody arrangements, my husband's past actions and threats give me a justifiable reason to keep the children on my property, or meet him in a populated public place so he can't take them from me and refuse to return them. There is no legal separation in the state where I live.

For the record, his actions and threats include overdosing intentionally on the twins' bedroom floor while they shook him to try to wake him up, pointing a loaded gun at me, and threatening to slit my throat while the children were present. There are no police reports for those, only the medical records for the overdose... but there were witnesses, and my attorney says that while police reports definitely help, they are not required. My husband lives in his parent's house, and there was a history of abuse during his childhood. He verbally "ripped me a new one" in the car in front of our children during one of his few visits since separation, calling me so many terrible names, which my daughter now calls me when she doesn't get her way. I used the audio recorder on my iPhone to record that entire event in the car. Basically I was told by my attorney that if my divorce becomes contested, he can't use the fact that I have not let the children leave my property to have overnight visits with their father in his family's home against me. My reasons are justified, because I fear he is mentally unstable and I fear for their well-being. It sounds like your situation falls into a similar category, please check with your attorney.

I'm glad you found an attorney at a reasonable cost, but if things go beyond your retainer fee, there may be free help available to you in your city or state, depending on your financial situation.

As others have stated, I recommend a restraining order. If your children were witnesses to any of his erratic behavior, I highly recommend checking with your attorney to see if it would be advisable to have your kids see a child psychologist who may be willing to testify in court - if necessary - about what they've experienced or possibly witnessed, and how it may have affected them. He may say terrible things about you when you're not around, and that is parental alienation, which is never something a Judge would look upon with any favoritism. Also, I recommend checking what your state law is regarding the recording of phone conversations and physical conversations. Since he has made suicide threats to you, you could possibly get a recording of him making such statements again - but of course - just don't push him too hard to where it may impact the safety of your family. A divorce is a civil case, and 38 states are considered "one party states", meaning that only one party in a conversation has to be aware and consent to the creation of the recording. If you are a party in that conversation, you may record it without your husband's knowledge, and that will be admissible as evidence in a civil court case, if that ever becomes necessary.

If you use a smartphone, there are tons of apps available, like "ACR" (Automatic Call Recorder) that will automatically record any calls you place or incoming calls, and he will never know that you've recorded him unless he hacks the place you store your digital files, or gains access to your phone. I highly recommend ACR for recording calls, if that's ever unfortunately necessary.

I know it's ugly to be ugly, but it doesn't sound like he's trying very hard - if at all - to be the best co-parent he can to you and the family you both started together. Please don't feel guilty doing whatever you have to do to hold your life as you know it together.

Good luck! You are doing a great job, and I hope everything works out in favor of your children and you! Stay strong!