very frustrated w/ my mom right now. okay, so she is very clingy and manipulative. she's been smothering me emotionally ever since oct '14. so about two years. for the first several months i could understand it somewhat, as what happened then was terrible. so i just put up and shut up, let her cry on my shoulder and complain to me whenever she needed, although it was hard for me, because what happened hurt me too, but i had no one to lean on but myself.

however, it's been nearly two years now, and she refuses to move on or help herself in any way. she refused to leave the man who did this to her and who abused her emotionally and physically many months following the initial incident - now she can't, because she no longer has thousands in ssi money. she takes antidepressants but won't go to therapy. meanwhile i've watched the meds make her a different person, more forgetful, less attentive to the needs of others, more demanding of me... i've watched her health deteriorate, i've watched her worsen in her alcoholism. all while she continues to lean on me only way too much.

anymore i feel like she only wants me around to piss and moan. i could be anyone, as long as i'm patient enough to listen to her great tale of woe for the hundred thousandth time.

on the flipside - is she there for me when i have problems? not exactly. she'll let me whine, but she will make it abundantly clear through subtle ways how little attention is being paid to what i'm saying.

the reason i'm even typing this all out right now is because just an hour ago i was in the kitchen with her and my dad. she was already well on her way to being sloppy drunk by then. i had gotten a water bottle out of the fridge and was about to head back to my room when i saw her suddenly go quiet, lean on the stove and put her head in her hands. i asked her if she was okay, to which she replied "so... you're just going to leave me here all alone?" wtf?? my dad was sitting right there...

that was it. that's all it takes anymore to bring this out in me. this... reservoir of built-up resentment. (yes, i do resent my mother sometimes. call the cops.)

i'm not sure how much longer i can deal with this... she wants me to spend time with her so often, and if i don't want to do what she wants me to do it sets her off... the littlest damn thing sets her off anymore. she takes everything as a sign that people are against her. she's also taken some personal things out on me this past month or so. i remember sunday a couple weeks ago she was quite mean to me and hurt my feelings.

everyone keeps telling me to be patient with her, but what they don't understand is how long i've already been dealing with this and how much worse it's gotten over time, even though the situation itself has improved (she's no longer being abused daily, for one thing). i remember my sister telling me a year or so ago that my mom just wants an excuse to feel bad for herself.... i got offended at the time, because what happened was still pretty fresh, and i was having a difficult time and feeling rather bad for myself as well. i guess i took her criticism of our mom and convinced myself it was a criticism of me also. now i'm beginning to see things from her point of view. i've come to realize that my mother sees herself primarily as a victim, with a capital V.

what do you do when your mother is not the same woman who raised you?

i just need a mommy...