> i am not able to dance either. He twirls away and i just stand there.. maybe fall to the floor... generally walk off stage and pretend i never had a dance partner to start with.

Maybe... Or maybe sometimes when he goes you do the solo thing for a while quite well indeed but the trouble can be when he comes back...

> object constancy... you mean as in me not being able to see him as a seperate entity, an individual in his own right?

As still existing and caring even though he isn't by your side right now (e.g., when he takes time off).

> To form a relationship of trust would mean allowing contact, a break in that sphere of individual identity... i am me within my walls and he within his, seperate. Closeness would mean a bridge or a door of some sort.

And you are afraid that if you let him in for a time that you will lose your identity (be merged into him) or he will pull away and you will fragment / fly apart when he goes?

> "fine, be that way, don't need you anyhow."

I'm doing that at the moment. Sometimes it is what we need to do in order to cope.

> i work hard to remove bricks in the wall as he suggests and guides me to do... but i have no skills to deal with that afterwards.. it's just an open hole in the wall.

Yeah, I hear you.

> i already know it will take a month or more of 2xweek appts for him to get near where we had been. i know it but can't seem to help it. i never knew how bad my trust issues were before i started working with him. Now i know but don't know how to not do it.

Time... The great healer. I think it just takes time. Together and apart and together and apart over and over and over again. Hurts either way, sometimes. Hard when they want to be close, hard when we can't be close to them. Each move can be painful to start with... Over time we become more adaptable and limber though... Hang in there.