I think it's inevitable that I will just continue to lose friends. Things are just so ****ed up. The past 2 years have been horrible and I've been steadily gaining weight; not that that's the only reason I've lost sociability. I don't see the point in trying to find hope anymore. Why try to want to go just to avoid guilt when I can just try to avoid having guilt while doing what I want.

Anytime I think about the future - near or long term - I get a really hollow sad feeling. What's the point of living like this? I'm medicating myself to handle a disorder I haven't come to terms with just well enough so I can get out of bed and make it into work and to the bathroom or back to my car before I break down crying. Then back home to feel sorry for myself and guilty again for not doing things.

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