Could be triggering

I don't really know what to do... there's nothing I can do. (a little background) My dad called me Wed. and told me mom wanted a divorce (he thought I deserved fair warning before coming home on Thursday for the weekend). Dad thinks she's too lazy to deal with getting papers and thinks they'll stay together, just not really. She's gotten back on drugs and doesn't like that he isn't approving of it (and I'm not talking prescription drugs). My dads miserable because she's miserable to be around but won't try to make things better. She won't really talk to him, sleeps in a different room...ect... (end of background)....now back to the issue....

I just want to cut... to not feel anything for a while... is that so wrong... I don't want to feel this... it's not fair... I didn't do anything yet somehow I feel like I did. She always blamed me for her drug problem because I'm "stressful"... and yes, she told me that, in a joint counseling session, I'm stressful and drugs are the only way she can cope with it, and since drugs are what makes their marriage go south she has always blamed me when they don't get along over the issue. I"M NOT EVEN THERE.... IT"S MY SECOND YEAR OF COLLEGE... but somehow I think maybe if I was home she would try to keep the family together...maybe if I did this or that things would be different.... maybe I just want to be able to blame me so I can punish myself and then maybe things will be okay... I don't know what to think anymore... I just want to not feel... I don't want to be mad at her, but I don't want to be mad at me, yet I'm mad at both. I don't know. I haven't felt this much emotional pain in a while. I don't know what to do with it. I just want to escape it.... why...why can't I do anything about this. I'm scared to lay down, scared to close my eyes, cravings are just too bad, I don't know if I can face them, I don't know if I can face myself right now... how much pain is inside... I don't know