So I do not know if this is truly my psychosis that is clouding my brain but okay this will be all over the place so have patience please I really don't feel held together so I might ramble a lot.
Let me start from the beginning. I self-diagnosed with DID and depression. Reasons for it was- I didn't remember anything before 2010, I sometimes did things without knowing (like moving something and not remembering moving it) which would happen with days and even weeks, I would know things that I do not know (like how someone should swim when I have never swam before) and other stuff and depression was kind of obvious to me, I would spend days and days in my room isolated, being sad for no reason, and other things for which I am scared that even thinking about them would send me on back to one of my depressive episodes.
And then I went to a psychologist. She did diagnose me with DID but it was never official and anyways she was just too expensive and only worked on "DID" and never saw the psychotic part of me.
Move on to the pdos at the psych ward. I went through some tests I had a long chat with my psychologist, which I would never ever see ever again because she yelled at me for "thinking other people are with me" which why would you ever do this at someone who if left alone (voices counting in the not alone part) will become suicidal to the part of.. well suicide, anyways after I went over everything with this.. for the lack of better words and because she is the definition of the world, with this insane psychologist, I went to now my psychiatrist (they work in a team so I think that Ms Crazy Russian Church lady, aka my past psychologist, knows everything but I do not give a flying... word about that) I have no clue what I was about to write next and I am very lazy to read back so sorry if repeating, but I went to the psychiatrist and she said that the depression part is for sure, 2nd meeting with her I cried for about 5 minutes because my exact words "I'm hearing voices and see things that are not there" she decided to put me on anti-psychotics, for this she needed to write me a diagnosis. So I got Bipolar with psychosis from her. Oh firstly I got Bipolar with current episode depression, sorry, I lied. Last meeting with my psychologist (what a mistake) she looked straight in my eyes and said "You know, I don't think you are Bipolar, we just wrote that so you an get medicine prescribed, but you ain't bipolar" which made me pissed cus what the hell am I then?
So next psychiatrist (just once) my diagnosis changed to Bipolar with manic episode and psychosis.
So okay! I get the psychosis part, I'm taking it with pride I am psychotic, that is for sure. But... Bipolar makes sense to me? Like I would get weeks of depression and then there would be days like this when I'm typing like a maniac, writing stories, exercising and staying up all night cus I have all of this energy and I am all over the place but yet again there is the psychosis part where I am scared to fall asleep.. lost my point again..
My question is am I just playing along? How do I know if I'm "truly" bipolar? Is this just psychosis playing tricks on me? I also wrote the whole thing without looking at my keyboard so yeah.. XD it's 12:00 am and I am not tired at all